Hi my sweetest girl. How are you my honey? Tonight I got to see my friends from my old singles ward and it was so good to talk with them. It was crazy to see how much everyone had changed. I also talked to Tiny Gurrrl about receiving inspiration and I thought back to the different times that I had been stressed or worried about my current stage in life and how Heavenly Father was just directing me on a course to your daddy. And I know He's doing this now. I just need to be patient and have faith. I've been tracking my ovulation and it doesn't seem to be working. I will keep testing and we will keep trying, and Heavenly Father will let it happen when it's supposed to happen. What a journey. I love you honey. You have sweet dreams, okay? Hugs and kisses my angel girl. Love, your momma
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Hi my angel girl. Oh honey I miss you. Your daddy and I were making dinner and talking about how you are probably such an angel, but also very sassy. I told your dad that I think you're the funny kind of sassy where you leave us speechless. Like you're too quick and witty. Haha what do you think my girl? Does that sound right? Today was a good day at work--I've been working on being more patient and I feel really good about certain parts of the day, but I was so irritable in other parts of the day. Can you help me be more patient honey? Those kids deserve so much more. And I want to be better so I can give them what they need and deserve. I mailed in all my stuff for my passport! It's crazy because I thought it was about 3 1/2 months away, and your daddy reminded me last night that we are actually 2 1/2 months away! So crazy! I love you sweetheart. Sweet dreams and hugs and kisses. Love, Mommy
Hi my angel girl. How was your day? Today was pretty average for us. Work went fairly well and then we went to get my passport picture because I have to change my name for Paris! It seems so crazy that we will be leaving in less than 3 months. I'm so excited to go, but I just keep thinking how it is a small consolation prize to not having you here. Oh honey I wish you were here. I was updating your blog tonight and I noticed that I will say "I love you" or "I miss you" just right in the middle of what I was saying. It's exactly how I feel though. It doesn't matter how many times I say it or write it, the feeling doesn't fade. I just love you. And I miss you. And I always will. And that's okay--it's just a reminder that you are real and that I have something incredible to look forward to. The day I get to run to you and pick you up and hug you, and look into your eyes and really really know you--oh honey I can't wait. I will do my best to enjoy earth life and make the most of every day. But I will be looking forward to seeing you and holding you again. You have sweet dreams my girl. Mommy and daddy love you more than anything. Hugs and kisses. Love, your mommy
Oh my girl. I just miss you. Last night ended up being pretty rough. I listened to that song last night and some of the lyrics really struck me. "Remember all the things we wanted. Now all our memories, they're haunted. We were always meant to say goodbye." "You know that I love you so. I lvoe you enough to let you go." " Perfect couldn't keep this love alive." "And I want you to know, you couldn't have loved me better. But I want you to move on. So I'm already gone." That last one feels like it's from your perspective. So I cuddled your teddy bear and listened to that song last night while your daddy held me and I cried. And then my friend Kassie sent me a song about infant loss and it ot me good too. We had 2 baby blessings today and both were girls. I feel like I was fine the last time they had a baby blessing, but today was a little tricky. I wonder if it's because it's about that time that we would be blessing you? It did get me thinking about the incredible blessing your daddy gave you ad I am so grateful he did. You are so loved my girl. So very loved. I miss you. Every day. And I learned that some days are more painful than others. When I think I'm doing okay, that's when a hard day hits. Isn't it just wonderful? I love you my angel girl. Sweet dreams and hugs and kisses. Love, your momma
Hi my sweetest girl. We got your bear today! It is so adorable I put her right on our bed. I told your daddy that I really want to sleep with it, but I also want it to stay nice. Your daddy says I should sleep with it and cuddle it as much as I want. So I guess we'll see. Oh honey. How I just wish you were here. Your Aunt Savanna text me tonight and told me that she choreographed a dance to the song "Already Gone" by Sleeping At Last and she dedicated it to you! And she had her girls wear butterfly broaches on their cream dresses. How sweet is that? I love how much she loves you. I'm excited for you two to spend more time together--I bet you have a very strong bond. I miss you so much my girl. Every day. Thank you for being so amazing and giving us so many moments with you. They keep us going honey. They give us hope. Sweetest dreams my love. Hugs and kisses. Love, Mommy
Hi my sweetest girl. Guess what?? Your bear is all done! I am so excited! Heather called and told me it was ready so they are coming by tomorrow to drop it off. I'm so excited to see it and to have your blanket that you were held in. Oh honey. What a precious day that was. I've been having a harder time looking at social media lately. I have a lot of friends who had babies very close to when you were due, and it seems to get harder and harder every day to see these healthy babies grow and interact with their mommies. It seems to be harder now that your due date has passed because you would be here. Before your due date, I just knew that you would still be growing in my body and for some reason, it wasn't difficult to see these babies. Hopefully we will get through this rough patch. We will, hugh my girl. Your daddy and I want to go snow shoeing again tomorrow so hopefully we get time. I love being outside and in nature, but I found that since I gave birth to you, it's become a need. I feel so close to you in the peace and quiet of the secluded outdoors. It resets me and helps me get through the days. I love you so much honey. And I love to feel close to you. I need to feel close to you. I miss you like crazy honey girls. You have sweet dreams, okay? Kisses and squeezes. Love, your momma
Hi baby girl. How are you honey? Today was pretty wacky. We had a 2 hour delay which was nice. I did a lot of hand lettering today while waiting for your daddy to finish basketball practice. My favorite things to write are the lyrics from "Here Comes the Sun" and "Octopus's Garden". My favorite lyrics are "Here comes the sun. Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting. Here comes the sun and I say, it's alright." And "Oh what joy for every girl and boy knowing they're happy and they're safe. We would be so happy you and me, no one there to to tell us what to do. I'd like to be under the sea in an octopus's garden with you." I think I've told you before, but I tend to gage how I'm doing by whether or not I can listen to "Here Comes the Sun". I've been able to listen to it lately--which is funny because it's definitely icey right now. But we were talking to Brittany and Mitchell the other day and talking about how so many families in the ward have either lost babies or had a hard time having one. But Mitchell was saying that he feels like we are turning a new leaf this year. And I've thought about it the last couple days, and I agree. I feel it too. I feel like your daddy and I will conceive soon (it's hard to be confident, but I'm trying), and the thought "here comes the sun" resonates so well for this year. And the idea of a rainbow baby coming to earth fits in so well with those lyrics. It will be interesting to feel the different kind of love I will have for your younger siblings. When I was laying on the couch by Zoe tonight, I got sad and wished that you were the one I was holding. One day my girl. I love you so so much. Sweet dreams and hugs and kisses. Love, your mommy
Hi my beautiful girl. How was your day? Your daddy says he loves you. I love it when he has me tell you things from him. I wish I could see the relationship you two have. I know you two have a special connection. I guess I'll have to wait to see that. I ordered an ovulation test kit last month so I guess we are going to use it this time around. I start testing tomorrow. Oh honey I just miss you. Work was really good today! The kids did awesome. It felt good to be back and the day flew by. I feel like this year has a lot of exciting things coming. I just pray that we can continue to feel your presence and keep having those beautiful moments with you. They mean so much to us honey. You mean everything to us. We love you so so much. Sweetest dreams angel girl. Hugs and kisses. Love, Mommy and Daddy
Hi my angel girl. How are you honey? Did you have a good day? Your daddy and I went snow shoeing up near Stewart Falls. Remember the last time we were there? I took Zoe and Asha the day your daddy had to go back to work and I felt your presence the whole way. And we had our little chat on that log. I still have my parking stub in my backpack to remind me of that day. It was so refreshing and full of hope. It's difficult thinking of that time. I wonder what it will be like a year from now, thinking of this time. It's almost been 4 months since we had you. Time is a weird idea. It seems like forever since I was pregnant with you, and yet I can't believe 4 months have already gone by. After we went snow shoeing, your daddy and I went to see Collateral Beauty. It was heart breaking, but so uplifting and beautiful. I just felt good after watching it. It made me look at your daddy and just fall in love with him all over again. How is it that I got to marry such an incredible man? He amazes me every day. Some days (like today), I just feel overwhelmed with guilt for anything I did or said that was anything but kind or patient. And he just listens. He doesn't get mad or sarcastic, he listens and tries to understand. I can't believe I get to be with him. It's a mixture of feelings like gratitude and happiness, and a little bit of feeling inadequate. I don't know if I can ever be the wife he deserves. But I'm trying. Just like I'm trying to be the mother you deserve. You and your daddy deserve the world. I love you my sweetest girl. Sweet dreams, okay honey? Squeezes and kisses and more hugs. Love, Mommy
Hi my sweetest girl. Your daddy and I just loved visiting your graveside today. We got all the Christmas decorations and we cleared yours and Grant's headstone of all the snow. I always have a hard time leaving you. I have your daddy go out of the cemetery the same way we go in so I can keep looking back to see your headstone. I have to see it as we are leaving. I almost didn't see it today and was about to have your daddy back up but then I saw it. And honey! Your lights on your wreath turned on once we had been home! The batteries are the same ones from the beginning of December and we had been home for about 5 hours when they came on. Your daddy tried to look for some logical reason behind it, but I told him to just accept it for what it is. Thank you for stopping by to say hi my girl. I started my period last night, so no baby yet. I feel like we are ready, but I prayed to know what we need to do or experience to get ready if we aren't. I just pray that I can have faith for what is to come. Your daddy wants me to tell you hi and that he loves you. And that we will bring more decorations for your headstone, and I am going to find some more books that we can read to you. Will you send me some inspiration on what books you like? Oh honey I just miss you. I love you with everything that I am. Sweetest dreams my angel girl. Hugs and kisses. Love, Mommy
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