Hi my angel girl. How was your day? Today was pretty great. Work was good, and I got a lot of your blog updated. I still have about another week to update. Then your daddy and I went grocery shopping and made dinner. And then we watched Saturday's Warrior. That movie will forever remind me of you. We discovered there's a karaoke feature, and they had bloopers, and even a mini documentary on the making of Saturday's Warrior. Haha your daddy and I really geeked out tonight. It was such an average day, but so amazing. I'm so grateful for your daddy and our friendship. We can have the most random day together, and enjoy every moment. I was holding Zoe like a baby (again) and I just kept thinking of how much more amazing our night would have been if you were here and I was holding you. That movie gets me so good every time. When Pam and Emily reunite--I just picture you and I. What a sweet day it is going to be. One of my instagram friends has a brother and sister who just lost their baby girl. I guess she was alive for about 15 minutes. My heart breaks for that family. I think back to those days right after we lost you and they are such a blur. How did we do it? How are we still doing it? As I was updating your blog, I realized that almost every day was hard at some point Is this my new normal? I guess I'd rather be optimistic. I don't know honey. I do know that I love you so very much, and I cannot wait to see you. Sweetest dreams my angel girl. Hugs and kisses. Love, your mommy
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Oh my sweet girl. We miss you. Your daddy was looking at my butterfly necklace that your grandpa gave me and he just said "I miss her." He's not usually expressive so it really broke my heart. Your daddy just misses you so much. As we were driving home tonight, he told me that it hit him really hard how excited he was to have a baby. That he's excited and feels really good about the future. I told him that I was in a pretty cloudy place. He told me there was always hope. We were also talking about how crazy it would be if we were due in December again, and then I had the thought that you would do that as a prank and think it was so funny. Haha how much do you know my girl? Wouldn't it be so interesting to be exactly as far along as I was the year before with you? That could be a very interesting journey. But I love you so much my girl. I am so grateful for you. And for all the blessings that you've brought into our lives. Sweetest dreams honey. Lots of squeezes and kisses. Love, Mommy
Hi my sweetest angel girl. How was your day? We had a really good day at church. What stood out to me was that we have to not only listen for answers to our questions, but we have to ask. What I got from it is that I have felt like there is a reason we have not been able to get pregnant, and I need to find out why. We've been praying to be ready to have a baby, but I think we need to not only ask what we need to do and what lessons we need to learn, but now I need to really listen and act. The impression I've got so far is that it may just be time. The other thing I keep thinking about is that I need to quit drinking soda, and start exercising again more regularly. Not only for my physical health, but for my mental health as well. It seems like such an impossible task at this point--bringing a healthy baby into this world. I know that you have at least 3 more siblings waiting to come down, and I know that my heart aches to meet my children, but my hope and faith is fading. I know I need to get back on track, but I feel surrounded by a cloud of dark sorrow. I love you honey. Today I was showing Rowan your hand and foot molds and telling him your name. It was a really sweet moment. It feels so good to say your name honey. I just miss you. I'm sure this is one of those times where a wave of grief is crashing down on me. I just pray I can get through this. Sweet dreams my angel girl. Hugs and kisses. Love, Mommy
Hi my angel girl. We got to watch Rowan for a little bit today and I loved watching him and your daddy together. It was so sweet to see your daddy holding him, and then it broke my heart to think that he should be holding you. The workshop turned out to be really good and I was able to have a really good conversation with Sister Fullmer. I told her that I've just been feeling very overwhelmed, and that I would love to have some tasks, but that I couldn't be in charge of making decisions and being in charge. She said she would take the lead and help delegate, but that I would stay as the camp director. I feel so out of control honey. I felt so great a couple days ago, and now I am just not even functioning. I know I've been getting more emotional on my periods since I had you, and I'm sure that's a huge piece of it--I just think I got my hopes up about being pregnant and i lost that too. Are we even ready for one of your siblings honey? I have so much self-doubt looming now. I honestly and truly thought we would be pregnant before Henrik came. And maybe we will be--I just won't know it. But I thought it would make it easier, and now I don't now. And I'm still trying to cling to faith and remember the impression I got during Christmas--that it would be our last Christmas decorating without a baby. Sometimes I can't tell what is inspiration and what is something that I just want very badly. My heart hurts honey. It aches for you. I just feel broken. I feel like my fire of faith and hope is dimming, and I don't know how/don't have the energy to keep that fire going. I love you honey. I know I will get through this--I'm just sorry I am not stronger. Sweet dreams and hugs and kisses. Love, Mommy
Oh my girl. Today was hard. Last night I dreamt that I started my period and I was devastated. When I woke up, I was so relieved because I realized it wasn't real. My hope had not been crushed...yet. I got up to use the bathroom and kind of felt like I might be bleeding, but no blood. So I went pee and then went to flush and saw blood. My heart sank first, and then I just felt anger. How could this be? And the day after I got hopeful. I laid back down in bed and cried a little, but told myself to hold it together. A friend posted on instagram something about moving forward with faith. It was enough to get me out of bed and distract myself with the day ahead of me. Work was okay, a little rocky with meetings and an hour long incident, but not awful. Then I realized that I have a 3.5 hour camp workshop tomorrow for girls camp and I just got overwhelmed. Your daddy came and held me and of course worked his magic. Then we went to dinner and a movie which was really nice. I feel so overwhelmed honey. It takes a lot for me to go to work, and church, and YW, and basketball, and sometimes I just can't/don't want to do it all. And I hate feeling guilt over it. I think I am going to ask Sister Fullmer to find another camp director. I feel like I can help, and if I'm given a task, I will be happy to do it. I just can't be in charge. I can't make decisions and delegate and plan. It makes me feel like my chest will collapse in on itself when I think about doing all of that. I prayed about it, and so far I feel very good about it. We will see how it goes. I may say something tomorrow. It's strange how I can feel perfectly great one day, and the next day feel as if I'm struggling just to live my life. How do I get through this honey? Is it even possible? I don't want to not think of you, I just don't want this new anxiety and overwhelming feeling of inadequacy and failure. Krystal sent me a really great message that was full of empathy and understanding, and I am just so grateful for her. I hate that we share this trial. She has been so helpful though. I love you my girl. And I will get to a more positive place. Today was just one of those days. Know that we love you so very much. Sweetest dreams my girl. Hugs and kisses. Love, Mommy
Hi my angel girl. we went to a grief group tonight and I'm really glad we did. Your daddy was such a good sport and was so great to go. It's always nice to hear other people's stories and see how they are doing. some of the couples are so positive and it gives me hope for the future. I am grateful we are able to find peace in this and so very grateful for your daddy. I think a huge piece of us being able to go about life has been our relationship. There is support and love that is so naturally there, that I have to remind myself what an incredible gift that is. I was just looking at my app where I am tracking my cycle, and my last 2 cycles were 24 days and I'm on day 26 now. My first cycle after you was 28 days, and I'm technically not supposed to start until Sunday, but I got a little excited. I wish I could just be patient for a couple more days. I love you my girl. Forever and always. Please know that. Sweetest dreams and hugs and kisses. Love, Mommy
Hi baby girl. Today was a super long day, but we made it through! I couldn't believe how excited I was to see your daddy. I mean I can, but I feel like I haven't seen him in way longer than one night. I guess it was 24 hours. He had another basketball game tonight and as I was watching him coach, I thought "I can't believe I got to marry that guy." It was just a really great thing to miss him and be missed, and be reminded of how grateful I am for him. And your daddy got stung by a wasp and it turned into a scab that's the shape of a heart. Haha I told him that hearts are from heaven, and maybe you are just playing a joke on him. He said he doesn't like it. Haha are you pranking your daddy? Either way, it's pretty funny. Oh honey, I miss you. I think I am supposed to start on Sunday, so we should know in the next couple of days if you've got a sibling coming down. I hope you had a great day honey. We think about you always. Sweetest dreams and lots of hugs and kisses. I love you. Love, Mommy
Hi my sweetest baby girl. How has your day been? Today went by super quick. Work went super smooth and then I rode up with Ms. Natalie to Ogden so we could go to our conference. I'm in this hotel again by myself, and it just feels so strange without your daddy. I don't like it. I practiced my water coloring though! I finished a bigger watercolor for Henrik, and then I looked at some tutorials on how to sketch people and then I did a watercolor of your daddy holding you. I definitely have a lot of things I want to fix, but I was pleasantly surprised with how it turned out for my first try. I was telling your daddy that I think it would be so great if I got better and better at painting, and then when we went to Paris, if I could take a couple hours out of a day and just paint some scenery or some people or something. I would just love that. I obviously have a long way to go before I can do that, but I'm hoping a couple months will get me to where I'm more comfortable. Honey thank you for giving me the inspiration to do this stuff. It has been extremely therapeutic, and I am so happy to see where I started and how I've progressed. It's a hobby with a lot of emotional outlets. So thank you. I miss you my girl. Forever and always. I love you honey. Sweet dreams and hugs and kisses. Love, Mommy
Hi my honey girls. How was your day? Your daddy and I got to work from home so it was nice to sleep in a little and do all the mundane tasks that I don't want to take the time to do at work, but that needed to be done. And I got a ton of lamination done! And then your daddy had a basketball game. As we were getting ready, I was holding Zoe like a baby (she hates it), and I was thinking how much fun it would be to get you ready and all bundled up. We would probably have a basketball bow for you. Oh honey, it would be so much fun! It's exciting to think of what life would be like with you here, but then it gets painful. I can't decide if I should go down that road or not, because those imaginative scenarios are so beautiful--they just might be worth the inevitable pain that follows. I practiced making Henrik's water color, and it turned out really cute. I will probably make her a bigger one sometime this week. I have another one of those conferences on Wednesday, so I'll be staying in a hotel tomorrow night. I remember last time being so anxious, and then it worked out being just great, but I am feeling that anxiety again. I think it would be so much fun, and I would be super excited if your daddy was going. I love that I love to be around your daddy so much. It just makes it a little difficult sometimes. I love you honey. I miss you like crazy. I still go look at your rosebush every morning and every time we come home. It's pretty much covered in snow, but it looks like it's hanging on. I can't wait for spring and to see all the blooms! I love you honey. Sweet dreams and hugs and kisses. Love, Mommy
Hi my sweetest baby girl. How was your day? I taught YW and your daddy taught EQ and we had a really great day. I twas nice to spend time with family for a while--we just hung out and talked for the longest time. And I got to play with your cousin Rowan and he is just too fun. Today during Sunday school, one of our friends was holding her little girl and had her all swaddled up. I started thinking, and you would have been about a month old. I started picturing myself sitting there during Sunday school holding you all swaddled up, but it became too painful. I had to push those thoughts away. Then one of the instructors started talking about the love you feel for your kids and she started to get emotional. I don't know why, but I got super resentful. I got pretty bitter thinking about losing you and I was almost mad at her for even talking about that subject. And really though--she wan't being insensitive--she probably didn't even know our situation, let alone how I would react. I was being so silly. I had to remind myself of some of the logic, and let myself feel the pain of the reality that I was upset because you aren't here. Oh how I wish you were here. I miss you so much honey. Sometimes I wish I could go back to the day I held you--as painful as it would be, I could just stay in that point in time and just absorb it all. I have no regrets--that day was perfect. I just wish I had more physical experiences with you. Soon enough sweetheart. I love you more than anything. Sweet dreams and lots of squeezes and kisses. Love, your momma
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