Hi sweetheart. How are you? Today when we were driving home, we were listening to Abbey Road and of course your song came on. Haha your daddy was jammin out an singing. I was struggling though--I started thinking about what a presence you have. When you were in my tummy and we hadn't met you, I felt like I knew you. I still feel your presence, it's just different. I think of how different our lives would be with you in it--having baby #2 and you being there as the best big sister. I made a watercolor for a mom tonight. The picture made me extremely emotional and I absolutely loved painting her picture. She asked for a little butterfly to be on it and of course it made me think of you. Oh honey. You have made so many beautiful moments possible. I would give anything to have you here with us, but I am very grateful to still have those moments with you. I love you honey girls. Sweetest dreams and lots of hugs and kisses. Love, your mommy
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Oh my sweetest girl. I just miss you. So much. Your daddy and I had a really nice night together. We had so much fun cooking together and hanging out and laughing. Haha I love those moments with your dad when we are just like two best friends. And today as we were watching The Office, your daddy got teary on the part where Jim finally asks Pam out. It was the cutest thing ever. I of course just laughed and then he tackled me. He said it reminded him of us and I thought that was very sweet. Then we were laughing with each other right before we were trying to go to bed. Haha I got the giggles so bad. It's your daddy's smile and his silent laugh where all you hear is him exhaling unevenly. Anyways, we were talking about ways we could announce baby #2 coming, so if you have any ideas, please send us some of your wonderful inspiration. Oh honey. I feel like things are going to get very interesting in the next little while. I just pray that your daddy and I will make the right choices so we can stay on the right track. I also saw a picture of a rainbow baby at their older brother's grave side. I think about those future moments and wonder if it will be heart breaking. But of course we will come visit you my girl. I just wish you were here to help me get the baby's binky, or that you would give the baby little kisses. Oh honey. How is this our life? How is this my reality? I guess there's nothing I can do except to accept it and try to make the best of it. I love you honey. Sweetest dreams and lots of hugs and kisses. Love, your momma
Hi my beautiful girl. Mommy had a little bit of a rough night last night. I ended up crying myself to sleep. I feel so ridiculous. Just so many conflicting emotions bouncing all over and I'm trying to make sense of it all, but it's not working. We went to family dinner tonight and I had a little bit of a hard time. I'm not sure why--especially because I saw Henrik on Monday and now we are pregnant. But I struggled. The same thoughts I talked to you about last night were bouncing all over in my head. And I couldn't seem to be around Henrik. I avoided him as much as I could. It's awful. Honey how amazing would it be to have you here with your newborn cousin? Just months apart? I love to think of what it would be like, but the pain inevitably catches up to me and I have to bring myself back to reality. Honey I love you so so much. So much. And I am so very grateful for all the incredible moments you have given me. Thank you for being so amazing my girl. I wish I could tuck you in. Every time I tell you sweet dreams and hugs and kisses, I imagine that I'm tucking you in and kissing your little forehead--after we've read a book of course. One day. Until then my girl--sweetest dreams and lots of squeezes and kisses. Love, your mommy
Hi my sweetest girl. How are you honey? Today was a super lazy day with your daddy and it was really nice. My new visiting teacher came over today and I like her so much. She lost a baby in May so we talked about you guys for a while. It always breaks my heart to hear about others losing their babies. It just isn't right. As I was getting ready for bed, I started to get overwhelmed with fear and I just started sobbing. I said a really long prayer and just asked Heavenly Father to help me love this new baby in a different way. I was filled with sadness thinking about how I will see the moments that I missed with you. Or that your presence would slowly start to fade. Please don't go honey. I want to love your younger sibling with everything I have, but I can't lose you. I can't let you fade. Please don't. I'm sure a lot of moms have felt my same worries, but their kids have been alive. How do I love another child with the love and intensity I have for you? Does it mean I have less love to give to each of you? I pray it isn't so. Oh my girl. I have so much self-doubt right now. Like my thoughts make me undeserving of this new baby. Or that Heavenly Father will see that I'm not ready and take the baby away. As I'm writing these thoughts down, they seem so silly. So why are they so present in my mind? Honey, I love you so so much. And I'm sure you know this, but I want you to know that no one could ever take your place. The love I have for you is all yours. And each of your siblings will have their own special kind of love with me. I miss you honey. I miss you so much. It kills me to think of what we would be doing right now. I love you forever. Hugs and kisses and sweet dreams. Love, Mommy
Honey! Oh my girl! I know you already know, but your daddy and I got some incredible news today! I thought for sure I would start yesterday, but I didn't. So when I went to bed, I prepared myself for starting today. I even had a dream about it...again. So this morning when I woke up, I prepared myself. Then I started thinking that if I didn't, I would take a test. But I kept going back and forth. Then I finally decided to get up while your daddy was getting our dinner prepared for the crock pot (french dip). I took two different tests and it took a minute, but they both showed up positive. I was in disbelief and trying to decide how to show your daddy. I was brushing my teeth as I was thinking through it and your daddy came in looking a little frazzled because it had gotten kind of smokey. But I just looked at him, not realizing I was smiling. then he looked at the tests, looked back at me, and asked, "Why are you smiling?" I told him to take a look but he said "Just tell me!" I think he looked though because as I scooped water into my mouth to rinse, he pulled me out and tackled me on the bad and just hugged me. It was so funny because I had a bunch of water in my mouth. Then I started to wash my face and he pulled me out and tackled me on the bed again with my face all wet. Oh honey, it's kind of how we felt with you where we are so excited, but in such disbelief at the same time. And then of course all the fear and worry of what could go wrong floods my mind. I prayed to Heavenly Father asking him to help me remember the impressions I've received and to keep the faith and hope alive. When we said a blessing for the food tonight, I thanked Heavenly Father for our second baby, and I had this weird thought that I might not get this one either. I don't know if it's just my fear. How do I know? If the thought feels peaceful? It definitely didn't feel peaceful. Honey, thank you. Thank you for always giving me inspiration when I need it. You are incredible. We are very excited to meet your younger sibling(s), and we are excited to talk to them about you. Tonight I wished that I could hold you again, that maybe I could more fully realize what an incredible gift that was. I knew it was incredible, but I want that opportunity now. But then again, even if I got another moment with you, I would just want another and another. I could never get enough time with you honey. Soon enough my girl. I love you so so much. And you are going to be the best big sister. Sweetest dreams honey. Hugs and kisses. Love, Mommy
Hi my sweetest girl. How was your day? This week has just flown by. I was expecting it to be a super long week with everything going on, and it was super busy, but it's gone by so fast. I guess we'll see how tomorrow goes. I got to talk to one of my kid's mom for a long time tonight and it's always nice to talk to another angel mommy. I miss you so much honey. I love when I get an opportunity to talk about you. You are my most favorite person in the whole world. I cannot wait to see you my girl. Sweetest dreams, okay? Hugs and kisses. Love, Mommy
Hi sweetheart. How was your day? I just love you honey. Today was a good day--it went by super quick. And then your daddy had another basketball game and they did so great. At one point they were only down by 2. They scored the most points they've ever had (49), and they only lost by 10. I'm so proud of your daddy. He has worked so hard with those boys and they have made a ton of progress. Then we came home and I made a quote for Sarah at work. Sometimes I feel like I can't do life, but when I see people like her, I feel inspired. Obviously people are surviving hard things all over, and it helps me remember that I can do it too. I miss you my girl. I was just thinking about what a blessing it is to know that you are the purest, most perfect little girl, and that this mortal life can't take that away. You are amazing honey. I hope you had a wonderful day. Sweetest dreams and lots of hugs and kisses. Love, Mommy
Oh my sweet angel girl. How are you? Honey I just miss you. I was holding Asha like a baby--I just put her on my hip and I was patting her little bum and bouncing up and down--haha she was terrified. I wish you were here, and your daddy and I were losing track of what day it was and we just kind of took it a day at a time, trying to figure everything out. There are a couple classes I want to take--a water color and a hand lettering class. They're each a couple hundred dollars so it's a lot. Your daddy says he wants me to keep pushing my talent as far as I can go. And I want to keep going--we just need to decide if it is financially worth it. Anyways, I love you sweetheart. Sweetest dreams, okay? Kisses and squeezes. Love, Mommy
Hi my sweetest girl. Today was your daddy and my 2 year date-iversary. We had a nice day just relaxing and hanging out, and then we went to see baby Henrik. I was pleasantly surprised at how easy it was. Thank you for helping me through that my girl. Then your daddy and I went to Thai Village (where we went on our first date) and had a really nice night together. Your daddy is pretty great, huh? I love you so so much honey. I hope you had a wonderful day. Sweet dreams my girl. Hugs and kisses. Love, your mommy
Hi my sweetest baby girl. I hope you had a wonderful day honey. Your daddy and I went on a quick little hike this morning with Schuyler and Emily and then we came home. It was a really good trip, and I'm so glad we went. I'm also glad we have tomorrow off. We might go try and see baby Henrik tomorrow. I guess we'll see how we are feeling. I sure do miss you my girl. I wish you were here and we were snuggling right now. Soon enough, right? I love you so much. Sweet dreams and lots of hugs and kisses. Love, Mommy
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