Hi my sweetest girl. Tomorrow is December. Well, I guess right now it's 12:03 and I can't sleep. I watched a movie and I started another one, but I think I should try to sleep--I will regret it in the morning. I went with the YW to Temple Square to see the lights tonight. Oh my girl--they are beautiful. I came to the conclusion tonight, that Christmas time will forever remind me of you. Especially the lights. I'm heart broken thinking about how I won't get to see your face light up when you see the lights. You would love them my girl. I talked about you a lot with Brittany and Krystal. I alsways love talking about you. And I ran into a friend from elementary school, and she said she was sorry about what happened. It got me thinking about how crazy our lives turn out to be, and how we are so naive and sometimes careless. But I suppose that's better than slowly peaking around every corner out of fear of whatever may come next. I don't know if I ever told you, but Gavin wrote your name on a hand for their Thanksgiving tree, and his hand only had 3 fingers. Well his mom just told me that it was meant to be a crown for you. He just loves you sweetheart. And of course so do I. Sweet dreams honey. Hugs and kisses. Love, Mommy
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Hi my cutest girl. We got some really fun things for your graveside for Christmas! I can't wait to give them to you! I think we are going to go up on Saturday. I hope you like what we got for you. We are getting somet things for Uncle Grant too! Oh my girl--I just miss you like crazy. I loved making some of your ornaments today--I wanted them to be absolutely perfect for you, and I know that you appreciate them no matter what. I was reading a blog post from an angel mommy, and she talked about how her heart beat was the last sound her baby heard. I never thought about those things. What were your last moments like? I pray that you weren't struggling or feeling any pain. I like to think that you enjoyed our trip to Lake Powell and then decided it was time to go. I can't think about it too much or it sends me into a downward spiral. I look back on my experience, and I realize that I have made progress. Baby steps, so it's hard to see--but progress still. I love you honey. Hugs and kisses and sweet dreams. Love, Mommy
Hi my sweetest girl. Oh I just love you. Your daddy and I got our Christmas decorations up and we had hot cocoa and just stayed inside while it snowed like crazy outside. It was a pretty perfect day. We got your tree all decorated and we just love it. Today at school we talked about Christmas traditions and one of my kiddos told me that they put up a tree for her sister. Such a sweet thing to do with siblings. So a couple years ago--the last Christmas I had before I married your daddy--as I was putting up the decorations, I had the distinct impression that it would be my last Christmas decorating alone. I dismissed the thought quickly, but it kept nagging at me. So I wrote it down, not sure if it was going to be true or not. Well today as I was opening the box with the tree, I was reminded of that experience, and then I had the impression that this would be our last Christmas decorating without a baby. I'm back in the same situation, where it's hard to believe, but I told your daddy with the disclaimer that maybe I'm crazy. But I've learned over time, that inspiration comes to me through my thoughts. I wish I could be more confident in myself and my ability tobe inspired. Sometimes it's difficult to know if it's what I want, or if it's coming from somewhere else. But I'm working on having faith that it's inspiration. Oh my girl I just love you. We also hung your picture iwth Jesus and the butterfly. Your daddy is so amazing to do those things for me. He's too great. But I hope you had a wonderful day and have sweet dreams, okay? I love you sweetheart. Hugs and kisses. Love, your momma
Hi my sweet girl. Today we drove home from the Washington and it actually went pretty quick. I only drove like two hours--which is more than I drove on the way up--I didn't drive at all! I got a little sad at one point, because I got lost in my thoughts and started thinking about all the fun Christmas traditions we have, and of course I started thinking about how you won't be here. It would be such a special and crazy time with you here. We would be learning a whole new way of life, and just loving every second of it. Instead we are learning this new way of life without you--a life with an empty space that can never be filled. A life with your memory and the anticipation for the day we get to meet you, but only small moments and momentos for the present. We put up your little pink tree today. It is so sweet, honey. It has little white lights on it, and it looks so peaceful and angellic--like you. We have 2 ornaments on there right now--a butterfly from Aunt Lindsey and Uncle Mitchell, and some angel wings from your mommy and daddy. We are going to slowly add ornaments each year. I will make some just for you this year, and then when your siblings get down here, we will let them pick one each year to add to your tree. What do you think my girl? Obviously I think of you all the time, but the two times of the year especially will be fall and Christmas. My two most favorite times of the year. How very fitting. I love you seet girl. Hugs and kisses and sweet dreams. Love, Mommy
Hi my sweet baby girl. Guess what?? One of the angel mommies that I follow makes Christmas tree ornamanets to honor angel babies for her tree, and I put your name in and she made a sweet ornament just for you. It's a star with butterflies and a little feather, and it has your name on it! How sweet is that? Oh honey I just miss you. I got a text from your Aunt Savanna saying how much she misses you and thinks about you. She just loves you honey. I hope you can feel all of this love. Your daddy and I were talking about what we can do for you for Christmas each year, and we think it would be nice to write a letter to you. And then as your siblings grow up, they can start writing letters to you too. What do you think about that honey? Send me some inspiration and let me know. And if you have other ideas, send them our way. We just want you to be happy. I love you sweet girl. Hugs and kisses and sweet dreams. Love, Mommy
Hi my honey girls. I thought about you A LOT today. We had a lot of fun hanging out with your aunts and uncles and your cousins. There was one point where we were trying to get all the cousins together for a picture and it was hysterical. I kept thinking about you and how you won't be in those pictures that we take. It was really sweet though, your Mimi's phone screen saver is a collage of her grandkids, and right in the middle is the black and white picture of your hand. My heart just melted. I just absolutely love how much everyone loves you, and the different ways they show it. Oh my girl. I wish with everything inside me that you were here with us, and that we were raising all of you kids here on earth. Your Aunt Desi said something really interesting yesterday. She said that when these trials we face bring us closer to our husbands, it helps build a really strong foundation. And today it struck me, that having this hardship has not only brought your daddy and I closer, but it has also given us a whole new outlook on life, and opened our eyes to what's really important. And I know it will make us love and appreciate your siblings so much more. But I stand by what I said before--you have set the standard realllly high--it's going to be hard to live up to :) I love you so much my sweet girl. Sweet dreams and lots of hugs and kisses. Love, your momma
Hi my sweetest girl. Happy Thanksgiving! I love you so much honey. Things were a little hectic, but it came together really well and we had a really great day. We went around the room saying what we were thankful for, and I said I was grateful for my husband and how amazing he is, and that I was thankful for my daughter. I wanted to say more, but those dang "allergies" kicked in and I couldn't quite get it together. And your daddy said that he was thankful for this year and the trials that we've gone through that will help us improve and get closer to being who we're supposed to be. I thought it was a really amazing thing for your daddy to be grateful--and of course we know he is just incredible. It was a good day though. I felt very grateful to be with everyone and to have all the delicious food, and to have the ability and the health and strength to be able to do the things we do. A lot to be grateful for. Especially you, my sweet girl. I don't have the words to describe how grateful I am for you. I love you sweetheart. I hope you had a wonderful day. Sweetest dreams, and hugs and kisses. Love, Mommy
Hi my cutest girl. How was your day? Your daddy and I woke up at 5 this morning so we could drive to the Washington. It went by really fast--of course I didn't drive at all, so that's probably why :) Tonight was a little bit rough. We got to Ellensburg and seeing Gma Lois and talking about you got me more emotional than I expected. And then Nate and Bethany came and I was holding Copely. I just kept thinking how close to heaven he is and how he just got to see you a couple months ago. He kept looking to the side of me and your daddy and I wondered if he was looking at you. Then of course my mind went to how close in age you guys would be and how sweet that little newborn cry is. That I wouldn't hear you cry. It was just a lot. It was sweet to watch the cousins playing, and I wonder how you would do with four boys. You would probably hold your own just fine :) Then your Gpa Rob came in and he and Mimi gave us that painting of Jesus holding a little toddler girl, and they are both reaching for a butterfly. As soon as I saw it, I lost it. The tiny shred of control I had left wasn't enough to stop the flood of emotion and countless tears that came. Gpa Rob gave me a very long, sweet hug, and told me "He's taking very good care of her". Given the circumstances, it was the perfect thing that anyone could have said. And I do believe that honey--I know it. And that provides your momma so much comfort. So we had a bit of a rough start, and I'm sure there will be more tears, but I'm excited for Thanksgiving tomorrow. It's difficult being somewhere other than home without my routine. I'm on high alert because I have no idea what is coming next, and I don't know what people are going to say or do. But I'm glad we're here, and it will be so good to spend time with everyone. I love you honey. I may need you to help me be strong tomorrow. Sweet dreams okay? Hugs and kisses my girl. Love, your momma
Hi my sweet girl. Your daddy and I are going to Washington in the morning. It's strange because we didn't think we would be able to go because it was so close to your due date. It's weird to think we would be about 3 weeks away from meeting you. Weird, strange, sad, heart breaking...I'm not sure what word to use for this situation. Maybe there are no words. Today Ms. Emily gave me the stocking she made for you. Oh honey, you would love it. It is absolutely perfect for you. I decorated our mantle and hung your stocking. It looks amazing sweetheart. Your daddy was giving me a hard time about decorating before Thanksgiving was over, and I told him that normally I am the exact same way. But this year is so different. I feel like Christmas is your holiday, and I want to celebrate you as much as I can. Oh my girl, this Christmas was supposed to be revolved around you. Our sweet baby girl--only about a week old. The best present your mommy and daddy could have asked for. It will be difficult honey, but your daddy is determined to make it special. And it will be. We still get to celebrate you and remember you. And Coach Ky made the most beautiful multi-media painting. It has butterflies all over, and at the top are some sweet little blossoms with your name and birthday written in the branches. And two tiny little footprints that are green in the grass. Such a beautiful piece of artwork, and so thoughtful. On the back she wrote, "there is no foot to small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world." What a perfect quote for you honey. You were 1 lb 11 oz, and only 11 inches tall, and yet you have left a lasting impression on not only your mommy and daddy, but countless family members and friends. Honey, you are loved. So many people have felt love for you, and sorrow that you weren't able to stay, and inspired to do better. All because of you. I am so so proud to be your momma. I love you honey. Sweet dreams, okay? Hugs and kisses. Love, Mommy
Hi my honey girls. I sure do miss you. Today was a really good day at work, and then I had a dentist appointment. It was kind of weird being there because last time I didn't do the x-rays because I was barely pregnant with you. I remember they were the first people we told because I was only like 5 or 6 weeks along. It was so weird to tell someone, but I was nervous to do the x-rays. I'm sure they don't even remember, but I was nervous they were going to bring it up and I would have to explain. Anyways, then we went home and got another bill from your daddy's root canal and I got super stressed out. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed by day-to-day tasks, and your daddy seems to float through them so effortlessly. I get so frustrated with him, and I feel you telling me to have patience. I know your daddy is trying--he is definitely trying. And I love him more than anything--but he sure can frustrate me. But oh how I love that man. But I love you my sweet girl. I'm sorry I always dump everything onto you. You're just a tiny, innocent, precious baby. You are my angel and you constantly inspire me to be better. I love you sweetheart. Sweetest dreams my girl. Hugs and kisses. Love, your momma
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