Hi my sweet girl. Today was a really good day. The kids were awesome, and even though your daddy wasn't too happy this morning, he came around later on. I had thought that we would be planning a cute pregnant costume, but here we are--almost 2 months since you were born. Not at all what we expected. Today was also the last day of the Capture Your Grief posts. I'm feeling sort of relieved, but also a bit of sadness. I think it will be good to stop dwelling on the loss of you, and instead focus on what we have to look forward to. A whole life full of possibilities, and of course at the end of it, a sweet reunion with you. My sweet girl--I just love you. And I will think of you always. I will continue writing to you, and keeping you in a very special place in my heart. I love you honey. I will talk to you tomorrow, okay? Love, always and forever, your mommy
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Hi my girl. Today was a good day. Church is always a good thing. We had a primary program and then I taught about gratitude in Young Women's. I think the lesson was more beneficial to me than to the girls, but I think it went well. I told them about the incredible blessing your daddy gave me the day we found out your body had some abnormalities. I told them how my blessing said to remember to be grateful for the blessing of motherhood. It has really helped me get through these last months and I hope it continues to help me through. And honey, I am grateful. I am extremely grateful to you, and I am so so proud to be your mommy. I keep thinking about seeing you again, and sometimes it doesn't feel to far away, but other times it seems like an impossibly long time before I will see you again. Your daddy and I are trying to brainstorm ways that we can have you in our family pictures in the future. We were thinking something symbolic like the butterfly, but if you have any ideas or preferences, please let us know. My friend commented on my post today about her cousin who lost a baby, and the younger sibling sees her singing to him in the rocking chair every night. I thought it was such a sweet story to share, and I love the idea of you being close to your siblings while they are here on Earth. Oh honey. I just know you are a nurturing and kind--such a wonderful big sister. And an amazing example. I love you honey. I love you so so much. Have sweet dreams my girl. Love, mommy
Hi sweetheart. Today was much better than yesterday. I got to sleep a lot, and then your daddy went golfing, so I just laid on the couch and watched Criminal Minds all day long. It was really nice to just have a day of nothing. Your daddy ended up golfing 18 holes so it took him a while to get home, and then I went for a quick run, and we went to a movie. I also worked on my Halloween costume for work--me and Ms. Erin are being Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. Haha it should be a lot of fun. I do think that exercise is crucial to me feeling mentally healthy. I felt so much better after running today. And I realized that I've had such a crazy week, I never ended up going running. So hopefully I can apply that lesson--I hate feeling so dark and empty, and just out of control. I was looking through your pictures tonight, and I just miss you. That was such a great day to have you and be with you--I wish I had known how amazing and what an incredible thing I was experiencing at the time. I thought I knew, but oh my girl, I just want to hold you. I love you baby girl. Sweet dreams. Love, mommy
Hi my baby girl. Today was a dark day. We had a teacher work day, and I felt very anxious and overwhelmed whenever I was around people. I kept my lights off in my room and watched Criminal Minds while I worked on mundane tasks. Then we were supposed to go hang out with friends but I broke down. I was so terrified of knocking on the door and going inside. What would everyone talk about? Could I be happy and social? I was so stressed thinking about it all night. Your daddy was so amazing and patient--as usual. I kept trying to get him to go because I was feeling so much guilt over not going, but we both ended up staying home and your daddy just held me as I cried. Oh my girl, I feel like I am going crazy. I have lost control of my mind and my emotions. Your daddy wants me to take some anxiety medicine that the doctor prescribed just in case I couldn't sleep. I haven't been sleeping--I dread bedtime because I know I'll be up forever, but then I dread getting out of bed. Every day ends up being such a blur. I had a really good talk with Erin today at work, and she had felt very similar to what I'm feeling now. I'm grateful that someone else has felt this--it makes me feel less crazy. But I also don't want anyone to feel this way. I just want to function. I don't want to forget you. Ever. I love you my baby girl. Sweet dreams. Kisses and tight squeezes. Love, Mommy
Oh my girl. I just miss you so much. I can't bear it. Honey I just want to hold you and see you. I want to play with you and get to know you better. My baby girl, are you okay? I'm sorry I'm not stronger. Today I told your daddy that I didn't want to do this anymore, and that I quit. But as soon as I did, I remembered the promise I made you. I won't give up--I will keep trying. And I will honey. I promise. I went to a grieving group tonight, and it was helpful. Good to hear others' stories. Everyone has such a different experience, and different ways of coping, but we can all relate and understand where each other is coming from. I just don't love this experience my girl. I wish you were here. One of the angel watch ladies asked how far along I would be, and I said I stopped thinking about it, and after I got curious and looked--and I would be 33 weeks pregnant today :) That means you were born 7 weeks ago. It seems like so long ago, and yet I can't believe how quickly it's gone by. I just love you my girl. Sweet dreams. Love, your momma
Hi my sweet girl. Today we came home to the sweetest surprise! Someone put a little white picket fence around your rose bush. My heart just melted. We suspected a few different people, but they are denying it. So we will see if we can figure it out, but maybe it will just be an anonymous gift that was super thoughtful and sweet. And then Susie left a card and a necklace with a butterfly on it. I just love how much everyone thinks of you, and how kind they are to give me those sweet reminders. I missed you a lot today, honey. We had our field trip today and then the ward Halloween carnival. And Brittany and I had a really good conversation about you and it was just so nice to be able to talk about all the emotions and concerns I have now. Oh honey, the future makes me so nervous. But I want it to happen so I can get to you--I feel very conflicted. But I love you my sweet girl. I hope you had a wonderful day. Sweet dreams honey. Love, Mommy
Hi my sweet baby girl. Guess what?? Your daddy and I are going to Paris in April! A friend posted a link for a way good deal on flights, and I booked it. Haha it was a very spontaneous purchase, and probably not very responsible, but we are excited! When we found out you might not make it, I told your daddy that we were going to Europe if you didn't make it. I feel like we needed some sort of consolation prize. And I'm extremely excited, but oh my girl--I would so much rather be spending my spring break with you. We would probably go camping somewhere--our first trip as a family. It would probably be a lot of work, and we would most likely be overwhelmed trying to figure it all out--but you would be about 4 months old, and just the cutest stinkin' thing. But I guess you will just have to come to Paris with us. I miss you honey. I told your daddy the other day that seeing new babies hasn't been too difficult, but I wonder what it will be like when babies start coming that were due around the same time as you. It's difficult to look at pictures of those pregnant moms, and wonder how big I would be with you right now. Oh my girl--I would just love every second of it. I absolutely loved being pregnant with you. You've set the bar pretty high for your siblings. Haha I love you all so much--you know I kid :) Well honey, I hope you are having a wonderful time. Just know that your daddy and I love you so much. And we ache for you. Have sweet dreams honey. Love, your momma
Hi my honey. How was your day? Mine was pretty good--it was a relatively smooth day. I miss you so much. I just keep wondering why other people can have perfectly healthy babies--they make it look so effortless. I wonder if they know what a miracle that is. I hope so. We got your book in the mail! It really is such a cute little book. I wish you were here for us to read it to you. And then you could read it to your younger siblings. I bet you are just the best big sister. Someone they can look up to. I'm so proud of you. You inspire me to keep pushing and keep trying--every day. I feel like I've been lagging behind the last few weeks, but I'm still in this race. And I won't give up. I promised you before, and I'm promising you again. I will not give up. I'm going to ask for your continued patience though. I'm doing my best, and I'm trying to improve what that looks like every day. I love you my sweet girl. Hugs and kisses, and some more big squeezes. Love, Mommy
Hi honey girls. I'm so glad to be home. I love going on trips, and I'm always so happy to get away, but coming home is just the best. There's nothing quite like it--especially after camping. You have 14 blossoms on your rose bush now. Can you believe it?? Your daddy thinks it's so cute that I get so excited every time, and I know he's partially teasing me, but I don't even care. I just love looking forward to all the blossoms. I have about a week left of capture your grief posts--it will be weird to not have it as part of my routine. It's been really therapeutic to be able to ponder all the different prompts and make myself process all the different thoughts and emotions that are bouncing around. It's been a very emotional month, but I think it will be really great in the long run--a very integral part in this grieving process. I just hope I still have an outlet to these emotions and thoughts. I'm so glad I started your blog. I hope you're okay with me sharing your story and some of the tender moments we have together. I've received some incredible messages, and it seems to be helping others. You are touching a lot of lives my sweet girl. I am so unbelievably proud of you. And incredibly blessed to be your momma. I love you honey. Sleep tight and have sweet dreams. Love, mommy
Hi my sweet girl. Today your daddy saw a butterfly as we were driving up to Canyonlands, and Ingunn saw a really big butterfly by the trailers. It seems like you've been saying hi all over Moab. Today was a little better--we went on two hikes and then had dinner at Moab Diner with everyone. I just feel weird. When it gets quiet and I am left alone with my thoughts, I start to second guess all my actions and conversations I had. I've been talking to your daddy about me being driven by guilt. I just don't want to regret anything. I second guess myself a lot and that gets tiring. I'm tired my girl. And frustrated. I feel like I have a very low tolerance level and it's just me. I wish you were here honey. With me in my stomach. I wonder how different this trip would be. I love you sweetheart. I miss you so much it hurts. Sweet dreams okay honey? Love, mommy
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