Hi my sweetest girl. Today my thoughts were on you the entire day. Your daddy went to play football with some friends from work, but I was needing a day at home so I stayed back. I was getting things kind of picked up, and I went into your room and just felt like I needed to cry some emotion out. I read your Octopus's Garden book, and then I went through your little clothes. When I was looking at the leggings with the ruffles on the back, I was just picturing your cutest little diaper bum in them. And when I got to your little dress--the one your daddy and I bought for you the day after we found out you were a girl--I imagined your tiny little body in it, and how I would put your little arms around my neck and just snuggle you forever. I wrapped the sleeves around my neck and just started sobbing. They were empty. No life in them. I found it oddly comforting still, and did that for a little while. I wish I would have put your little arms around my neck when we were in the hospital. I held you, and I gave you so many squeezes, but I didn't get a hug. I will have to cling to the thought of hugging you when I see you. Which reminds me, I dreamt about you last night. I wish I could remember what happened--I just remember knowing that it was you and trying to take pictures so I would remember, but they didn't turn out. Anyways, back to me being in your room. Then I looked at your things from the hospital, and as I looked at your tiny bracelet, and your tiny little wrist in that bracelet, the thought occured to me that I could let your sister wear it when she gets blessed. And maybe I can give my bracelet with that one to her so she can have them for her and her daughter. Would that be okay with you? I think that inspiration came from you, didn't it? I love those moments of silence that I have. And the seemingly random thoughts, and then as I ponder them later, and write them down to you, I realize that they are not random at all. They are inspirational, sacred moments that I have with you. Communication that I have with you. Oh my girl, it means the world to me. These moments are what keep me going. Your daddy and I ran a 5k in Santa suits today, and then we went to dinner, and did a little shopping for our secret santas. When we got home, we showered, and when I got out and was drying off, I heard Christmas music playing. I instantly was filled with gratitude for the peaceful feelings of the day, for your incredible daddy, and for the ability to be home in a warm house, with your daddy, and the time we got to share. Then I went out to the living room and your daddy had the virtual fireplace on. It was just one of those moments where I was stopped and reminded of our blessings. Your daddy was also talking about finding the beauty in everyday things, like today when we were at the Wal Mart, and seeing how excited I got when I found the Christmas turtlenecks. I got a little choked up because I just love your daddy so much. And I love how thoughtful and kind he is. And for the love of life that he has and how deeply I feel his love for me. At one point tonight we were trying to see who would let the doggy in, and I asked him if he could because I was doing something (planning my lesson), and he said, "well I'm doing something..." So I look back and he's laying on the couch in a kind of pose and eating a candy cane. We both just burst into laughter. It was a good day honey. I'm so happy I was able to spend so much time thinking of you, and having those moments with you. And I'm grateful for the time I had with your daddy. I too often forget how amazing he is--I get too caught up in too many unimportant details. But today was a wonderful reminder of what an incredible blessing my eternal family is. I love you so much sweetheart. Sweet dreams okay? Hugs and kisses. Love, Mommy
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Oh my girl. How was your day? Your momma had a rough night last night. When I turned off the lights to go to bed, I realized that it was 3 months exactly since I gave birth to you, and also one week away from your due date. I just became more and more devastated with the current state of things. Oh honey, I'm so sorry you had to see your mommy crying like that. I felt like I had so much rage inside of me--I needed to sob uncontrollably. I felt like the only way to get rid of the build up of emotion was to give into the sorrow. Your daddy held me because he is amazing, and I eventually cried myself to sleep. I feel like it's been a while since I had to do that. In the beginning it was every night. Now it's getting less and less. Today when I woke up, it was confirmed that I wasn't pregnant. I'm not devastated, just disappointed. I know it will happen when it's supposed to, and maybe we need more time to grieve. Just let your siblings know that we are open to them coming whenever they'd like. Don't tell your siblings, but the idea of having another baby makes me wonder if I have room in my heart to love another baby as much as I love you. I just want you honey. I want all those moments with you. I'm sorry for thinking that, and I've been told that I will be surprised by my capacity for love, and I trust it, it's just a hard concept to grasp right now. I love you my sweetest girl. You sleep tight and have sweet dreams, okay? I love you honey. Hugs and kisses. Love, your momma.
Hi my beautiful girl. Today was a good work day, and then we had PTC. One of the moms who lost her baby girl bought me a book that I'm going to read. She is pregnant with another girl, and they just found out that she has some holes in her heart and her left ventricle is too small. She said it's a 90% survival rate so she's hopeful, but what an awful thing to go through again. And she said that it does get better--that it had been 6 years, and it gets better. Then another mom was telling me that she lost 4 babies. My heart just breaks for these mommies. She was also saying that she was led down the path to adoption and I wondered if that would be our path. Oh honey, I just don't know if I can handle this journey. It's overwhelming and terrifying. I just wish you were here. We are exactly one week away from your due date. What a happy time this should be. Maybe you would be here? Why can't I just have you? My heart is broken, and when I think it is mending, I realize that it's just my mind that is distracted. Maybe my heart isn't shattered into as many pieces, but oh my girl, there are too many breaks to count. I love you my sweetest girl. Please keep sending us moments. Sweet dreams and hugs and kisses. We love you forever and ever my girl. Love, Mommy
Hi my sweetest girl. I felt kind of weird about yesterday still, so I went and talked to Ms. Julie this morning. She said that she noticed that I'm changed, but it's just me growing up and being a little more bold. She started crying, so it made me cry, and she said that she's so proud of me for how I've handled everything. She said to not let anyone make me feel crazy or like I'm too emotional because I'm advocating for my kids. I really appreciated hearing her say that because I started questioning myself and it brought up a whole mess of thoughts. But she made me feel so loved and validated in my frustrations. I'm just so grateful for her and all the caring people who have been there for us. It means so much. She referred to herself as my "not mom" and I was thinking how she is like a mom to me. I can always count on her to give me level-headed advice while staying nurturing and loving. The kind of mom I hoped I could be for you. But I love you my girl. We watched some cheesy Christmas movies and both of them had mentioned babies dying. It's so heart breaking. It makes me wonder if it's becoming more and more common, which is even more heart breaking. But I love you my girl. I hope you had a wonderful day my honey. Sweetest dreams and hugs and kisses. Love, your momma
Hi my sweet girl. Today was kind of weird. My para was needed somewhere and I went down to talk to them about it, and I went into the principal's office and she said that she heard I was stressed and worried. I told her I wasn't, but that I either needed to my para to come down at 1:30, or I couldn't go to the meeting. Either option was fine with me, I just wasn't going to leave my class with someone else. Then she asked me how I was doing and I told her I wasn't sure, but I felt okay, but I don't know how I actually am. She said that I am a little more on edge, like the last couple years I've just been go with the flow, but not so much this year. She said she wasn't concerned, but I still felt weird. I just don't want to be oblivious to how I'm actually doing. And if I need extra help, I want to be open to that. "Alternate Reality" were the words she used--very fitting, I thought. Honey I miss you. We are so close to your due date. Days away. My arms ache for you. I've been hoding Asha and Zoe like babies lately--they hate it. I even started bouncing with Asha tonight--she did NOT like that--haha. We'll get there, right honey? I love you baby girl. Sweet dreams and lots of hugs and kisses. Love, Mommy
Hi my sweetest girl. I just love you. I made a book for me and your daddy of all your pictures and it came in the mail today. It turned out so beautiful, honey. I can't wait to give it to him. I wrote "To: Mom and Dad Love: Lois" on the tag. So thank you honey. Well I miss you honey and I love you more than anything. Sweet dreams baby girl. Hugs and squeezes and kisses. Love, Mommy
Hi my sweetest girls. I hear you helped your Gma Lezlie run a marathon today! She said she felt you the whole way, and had some good tears with you. I sure do love you my honey girls. And Aunt Tori got your memorial all set up with your headstone and I'm going to write you an obituary. Then when people do their family searches, they will be able to find you and know what an enormous impact you've made on us in your short time here. I love you my girl. Sweet dreams and hugs and kisses. Love, your mommy
Hi honey girls. Do you like your decorations we left at your graveside? Does Uncle Grant like his? We were almost laughing on the way out because we could see the lights clear from the exit--we joked that you guys were the Griswalds of the Coalville cemetery. I'm sure the lights won't last a super long time, but hopefully your poinsetta stays alive for a while. And you have your wreath. Your daddy and I had to make a kind of wonky wreath stake so hopefully it holds up. Your daddy and I had gone snow-shoeing right before, and we were thinking about how I would be about a week and a half from your due date, and we most likely wouldn't have been able to go snow-shoeing. I would definitely rather have you here with us my girl. I had a really hard time leaving you at the cemetery today honey. It's always difficult, but this time was almost as bad as the first time. That first time was the absolute worst. I had to keep reminding myself that Uncle Grant is with you, and that you probably aren't even there that much. You probably have a million things going on. And I feel you everywhere. I told your daddy that sometimes I feel like I could turn around and see you. I told him about the night I couldn't sleep, and we hadn't hung up your picture with Christ and the butterfly yet, so I just sat on the ground and stared at it while I sobbed. I honestly felt like you were right behind me. I looked back but I didn't see you. Then I thought maybe I could see you from the reflection of the frame, but I didn't. I wondered what I would even do. I was kind of nervous to actually see you--would I know what to do? Maybe that's why I didn't see you--I wouldn't be prepared enough. Well I'm preparing my girl. I cannot wait for our sweet reunion. I love you honey. Sweet dreams, okay? Hugs and kisses. Love, your momma
Hi my sweetest girl. Oh I love you honey. I hope you had a wonderful day. And your daddy and I are coming to visit your graveside tomorrow! We have some fun Christmas decorations for you and Uncle Grant! Hugs and kisses my sweet girl. Sweet dreams. Love, Mommy
Hi my sweet girl. December is officially here. Today marked what would have been 38 weeks. I would be so close to meeting you. I would probably be huge, and very uncomfortable, but so excited. Your little nursery would be all ready to go and we'd have our bag packed for the hospital. And a little outfit picked out for you to got home in. Oh my girl--everything turned out...well I want to say wrong, but my testimony of God's plan won't let me...everything turned out different than I planned. I miss you so much honey. Every day I miss you. I made your little ornament today with your name on it, and I finished making one of your decorations for your graveside. I will let that be a surprise--no peaking :) Your daddy and I also found some silver glitter butterfly ornaments at the dollar store, and we thought they would be perfect on your little tree. And Sondra and Steve sent this beautiful butterfly and heart made of rock from all over southern Utah. The butterfly is obviously for you, and it sits on the heart, for all the places in southern Utah that we got to go with you. It just melted my heart thinkng about our adventures. We had a lot of great adventures together, didn't we? I love you my sweet girl. Sweet dreams honey. Hugs and kisses. Love, Mommy
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