Hi my sweetest girl. It was so peaceful visiting you today. We looked for your friend the buck, but we didn't see him. We did see animal tracks though--right above your headstone. We read your book to you. Did you like it? Mommy even tried to sing part of it and your daddy laughed. Then I had him try, and I tried again, and then it got super windy. I asked you if that was your way of saying "oh mom--please stop!" Haha sorry if you don't like it--I will always sing to you my angel girl. We replaced the batteries in your and Grant's lights so hopefully they shine for a little while longer. There's a little boy up a little ways from you--it looks like he passed as a baby too. Are you guys friends? I joked that he was probably your boyfriend, but your daddy did not like that. You're too young for boys! But you can tell your momma okay honey? When we got home, your daddy and I were watching a movie and sharing a blanket. I moved and the blanket moved with me and your daddy said, "Whoa whoa whoa--I have hershey kisses on here!" I asked him how I was supposed to know that and he just said, "It's Christmas time! Duh." Haha just a funny little moment. As we were getting ready to put the movie in, I was saying how grateful I was to be with your daddy in our warm home Then I started thinking how much more amazing it would be with you here. Oh honey. I miss you. I love you more than anything. Sweet dreams okay, honey? Kisses and squeezes. Love, your momma
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Hi my sweetest angel. Today was our last day of work for 2 weeks! This first half of the year has gone by so fast. And I talked to Gma Lezlie for like 2 1/2 hours and it was so great. We talked A LOT about you--of course. Some was light-hearted conversation with a lot of laughter, and some was a little more serious and deep with some peaceful tears. You are just so loved honey. And we miss you like crazy. Your daddy and I want to go visit you tomorrow and go snow shoeing so hopefully we can get out there. I love you sweetheart. I hope you are just having the best time ever. Sweet dreams my girl. Hugs and kisses. Love, Mommy
Hi my sweetest girl. Today was pretty rough. Work was fine--we just watched Christmas movies and finished up some testing. Then after work we were supposed to go to dinner with some friends from work, and your daddy had already had a stressful day so he wasn't in a very good mood. But I showered and got all ready, and we left later than we should have and hit traffic. It was the perfect storm for your daddy. He got super tense and really stressed out. I kept offering solutions to either not go, or to go somewhere else--but he just kept driving in silence. By the time we made it up there, I was starting to feel anxious and your daddy's mood just seemed to be fueling it. We started walking in and he was walking ahead of me and I got mad and then he just kept walking in silence. I reached my breaking point and decided I couldn't go into dinner with all those people and try to be okay. We ended up driving home--stopping at a restaurant in Lehi and then leaving before ordering. I was so disappointed--I still am. I had a fun night of yummy dinner with your daddy and then maybe a Christmas movie in my mind. And I'm ovulating so today was a pretty big day for us. I just wish he could enjoy the moment a little more. Like yes, traffic sucks--but let's hang out and just enjoy our time together. And oh well if we're late or if we don't even make it at all. We're supposed to be enjoying each other. And instead, we argued the night away. You can probably tell, but I'm still pretty upset. He means well, and I need to be more patient and work on helping him through those moods. He helps me. Anyways, I'm sure you're shaking your head at us--especially me. I get so stubborn. I even had the thought--let love in and let go of the stubborness. I just ignored it. And I'm still not doing it I guess this was a big learning day for us--unfortunately. I love you my girl. Have sweet dreams okay? Hugs and kisses. Love, Mommy
Hi my sweetest girl. How was your day? Today seemed like a very long day--maybe because I had a pretty good nap. But we did a silent lesson in YW and we reflected a lot on the birth of Christ. I just got thinking about what a spiritual and peaceful experience we had when I gave birth to you, so I tried to imagine what an incredible experience it was when Christ was born. Today during sacrament I was looking through all of your pictures and just feeling so grateful for the time I had with you. The thought occured to me that I won't have new pictures of you--they will always be the same pictures. It breaks my heart to think of all that time we are missing together. I'm sure your daddy is right though--we will get that time back in heaven. My tummy is still feeling icky. I can't decide if it's still from my sick day or if it could be symptoms of pregnancy. It is so unlikely because I just stopped my period a week ago and there's no way I would already have symptoms. Then my mind goes to maybe being pregnant, but losing one of the babies or something. I don't know--my mind just wanders. I don't have any other symptoms so I'm sure I'm just still kind of recovering. I just want to meet your siblings. Who's next? I'm ready to open my heart and increase my capacity for love. I guess we'll see. I love you honey. Thank you for being so wonderful. Sweet dreams my girl. Hugs and kisses and squeezes! Love, Mommy
Hi my sweetest baby girl. Your daddy says hi and that he loves you. We sure do miss you honey. Maybe you can send your daddy some inspiration on how you two can have your own way of communicating? I always tell him about the incredible moments we have and one time he mentioned wishing that he had those with you. I told him it's not always so obvious, but maybe he just needs a little help to find a way. Today was really nice. We woke up and someone had left some Christmas butterfly clips on our porch with a really sweet note. I absolutely love all these acts of service. And I think I forgot to tell you about the ornament Aunt Sammie gave us--it has a butterfly on a poinsettia! Isn't that so perfect? And we also got a butterfly wreath and some butterflies from Kendra who was my secret santa, and a willow tree holding a butterfly from Mackenzi. It was all just so nice. We have felt so much love and support from everyone. It's very comforting. I thought about you so much today my girl. I asked your daddy when we were out running errands and stopped at Chick Fil A if he thought: A-we would be in the hospital, B-you would still be in my tummy, or C-we would be at home looking like zombies with a newborn. He said C-but that he would be eating at Chick Fil A by himself. We both laughed because we know that's not even close to true. I just want to hold you honey. And just stare at you. Just take all your little features in. I don't think I could ever get enough of you. I want to see you interact and see how your little personality comes through. I just want you here. But if you are happy and healthy, I can't be sad about that, right? I told your daddy that I'm pretty sure I didn't agree to this in heaven, but he says that we all agreed to it. He's probably right--he always is. And I miss you terribly, but I am so very proud of you. I love you my girl. Your daddy loves you. We hope you have the sweetest dreams. Lots of hugs and kisses honey. Love, Mommy and Daddy
Hi my sweetest girl. Well today came and went and we survived. I think the anticipation of it was worse than the actual day. We recived a lot of love and support from family, friends, and co-workers. And then your daddy and I went on a date night and ate at La Costa and then went to Temple Square to see the lights. It was very peaceful and we just felt very content. On our way home your daddy and I had a really amazing talk about our thoughts and feelings surrounding everything. It was really nice to spend that time and have that very much needed conversation with your daddy. You two mean the world to me. I love you so much honey. Sweet dreams, okay? Hugs and kisses and lots of squeezes. Love, your momma
Hi my baby. I'm so sorry I didn't write to you yesterday. Your momma was super sick. I couldn't sit up or even think straight. I asked your daddy, and he was pretty sure you would understand. Hopefully you do. I didn't forget about you--I never could. I just wasn't functioning. Tomorrow is your due date. I wonder if you would already be here--or maybe you would be late? You were pretty dang nice to mommy the whole pregnancy, so I would guess that you might come early, but your daddy and I are both stubborn, so you may have wanted to come late just to show us who is in charge. Haha who knows. Maybe we can have that conversation when we see each other. Aunt Tori helped us get all set up for your memorial page and the family history site. I'm so happy to now that our future posterity will know about you. You are amazing honey. And we miss you like crazy. I will be thinking of you all day tomorrow. I guess not that different from any other day. Sweet dreams baby girl. Squeezes and kisses. Love, Mommy
Oh honey. Today was a day. I had a kiddo with a lot of aggressions today and I got popped in the eye pretty bad. I thought I was okay until I saw your daddy coming down the hall and he tried to hug me, but I thought I was gonna lose it so I had to book it. Then I went and did some Christmas shoppig and your daddy made dinner (he is way too amazing). When I got home I was changing out of my turtleneck, and I was having a hard time getting it over my neck so I pulled harder and I heard a little ripping sound, and I figured it was one of the seams in my shirt so I didn't think too much of it. But then I was getting ready to eat dinner with your daddy and I felt for my necklace (the one with the S and the L) but I couldn't find it. I just started sobbing. My body just wanted to fall to the ground. Your daddy was there to hold me up and I was finally able to get the words out that I lost my necklace. Almost immediately, the thought came to that ripping sound so I rushed to my shirt and there was my necklace--broken. I couldn't take it. I just lost it and laid right there by the closet, sobbing. Your daddy was right there comforting me--telling me the important parts were here, and he would get me a new chain tomorrow. Yes, I have an emotional attachment to this necklace, but I think it was the build up of so many things--and not just today. The whole anticipation of your due date is becoming more than I can bear. And my thoughts went to all of the physical things I have to remember you, and how much value I have put on these "things" because you aren't here. It was the first time I had felt anger. I was so mad. How ridiculous is it that I was so upset about a necklace, that I lost control over my body? Why would Heavenly Father think I am strong enough to endure this? Why can't I just have you? My sweet baby girl? My Christmas baby? Your daddy was able to calm me down and we ate dinner together while watching a really cheesy Christmas movie--they have been our favorites lately! And Honoring Jensen made a video of all the angel baby ornaments--140. So heartbreaking. But it was beautiful and it was to O Holy Night--my favorite Christmas song. I love you so much my girl. I'm so sorry that I lose control like that. You deserve better than to see you momma like that. I love you honey. I miss you. I hope you are having a wonderful time. Sweet dreams my girl. Kisses and squeezes. Love, Mommy
Hi my sweetest girl. How was your day honey? We had a good day, just work, and then some Christmas shopping, then home to cook, and then a nice night in with your daddy. My heart has been very achey the last little bit. Your due date is days away. I could never remember if it was the 15th or 16th, and technically I think it is the 15th, but in my mind, it is the 16th. I think your daddy and I are going up to Temple Square to see the lights. Oh honey, I can only imagine your sweet face seeing those lights. And seeing the magic happen through your eyes. I was staring at your tree tonight, thinking of what an incredible time it would be if you were here. We would be days away from meeting you, or maybe you would already be here? It's a dangerous path to go down, but sometimes I can't help but think of what could have been. I need to focus on what is, and what will be. Thinking of our future reunion helps me get through those times of darkness. I love you honey. Thank you for being my light, and for pushing me to always try. Sweet dreams my love. Hugs and kisses. Love, Mommy
Hi my sweet girl. How was your day? We had a really good day at church today. And my lesson was about spiritual gifts. It was a lesson that I really needed, so I was very grateful for it. I got thinking about what my spiritual gifts are, so I read my patriarchal blessing and I was very surprised to see how many spiritual gifts were in my blessing. How had I not noticed them before? My favorite gift right now is the gift to receive inspirtation if I ask for it. I shared this with my girls and got emotional because it has been such a blessing this last little while. Being able to receive answers, and feel comfort, and especially to feel your presence and receive inspiration--it has all been so crucial in me being able to get through this last little while. I love you so much honey. I miss you terribly. Tonight we had Skal with the family, and we went around saying what we were grateful for. Your daddy said eternal families and the temple and the gospel. I said that it seems like it's been a crappy year, but it's actually been a really great one because I was sealed to you and your daddy, and even though you aren't here with us, you made me a mom and I am so grateful for that. I love you so much honey. And I am so so grateful for you. Sweet dreams and hugs and kisses. Love, your momma
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