Hi my baby girls. It's been a pretty heated day. I'm not sure how long it will take for things to mellow out, but hopefully soon. It just feels like a constant state of contention. And it's frustrating. But we are in a crazy time. It's funny because I was talking to your daddy, and we were talking about how we teach our kids about being a good sport, and being open to others' opinions, and being respectful. And yet, here are grown adults, acting exactly the way we are trying to teach our kids not to act. I don't know. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it all, but I'm grateful for the gospel and my testimony. As annoying as it can be sometimes, I know God has a plan and things are going to work out just fine. Your daddy and I signed up to run a 10k on Memorial Day in memory of you. We are super excited. I just miss you honey. And I can't wait to see you. Sweet dreams baby girl. I love you more than anything. Love, your momma
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Hi my sweet girl. Today was a pretty crazy day--Donald Trump is our new president. Your daddy and I were super shocked, but we are hopeful. Tonight we had YW in Excellence and the theme was "create your own sunshine". It was a really great evening. For our closing hymn, we sang "Lead, Kindly Light". I have sang this song dozens of times before, but today it had a very special meaning. I got choked up at the line "Keep though my feet; I do not ask to see the distant scene--one step enough for me." I struggle with this so much. The next line that got me good was "I loved to choose and see my path; but now , lead though e on! I loved the garish day, and, spite of fears, pride ruled my will." How very appropriate for how I felt and still feel about losing you. I thought I would make it without actually crying until I got to the last line. "And with the morn those angel faces smile, which I have loved long since, and lost awhile!" I don't know if I never paid enough attention or if I completely missed it, but I couldn't believe I didn't notice that line before. I felt like that song was speaking directly to me. With a very important message that I absolutely needed to hear. I don't think I've told you yet, but the geneticist called on Monday and told us that your daddy and I both have 46 chromosomes and they are all in the right spots. This is good news because it's extremely unlikely that your brothers or sisters would have the same health problems that you did. That absolutely does NOT mean that they are anymore loved than you are--and I know you know this :) We just want some of you guys to spend some time with us on Earth. Honey I love you so much. My heart aches for you. My arms yearn to hold you and squeeze you, and admire all your tiny features. I want to listen to you breathe, and feel your heart beat. I want to see the excitement in your eyes as you grow and develop. I want all of these things. Your perfect little fingers and toes. The most precious little body of yours. And that dance lymphatic system. Honey I am so sorry. I'm so sorry you were given that trial. I'm so proud of you. I can't tell you enough how amazing you are. I love you my sweet girl. Sweet dreams. Love, Mommy
Hi honey girls. Oh my girl I just miss you. I missed you like crazy today. Seeing pregnancy announcements and girls carrying their babies and getting bigger and bigger has gotten really difficult for me to see. I feel like things are almost getting harder. Tomorrow is our 2 month mark. I know ideally you would still be growing in my belly. But I can't help but wonder about all the amazing things you would be doing at 2 months. What would life be like? Your daddy and I would be exhausted, but hopefully starting to figure out how to adjust. A lot of overwhelming and exciting adventures. When I think of you as an actual living child, my heart just hurts. It's easier for me to think of you as an angel. If I think of what we are missing out on experiencing together, it's too much to bear. But if I think of the blessings you have brought to our lives and how sweet our reunion will be--I can get through that moment. I was thinking about gratitude as a commandment, and it's not that Heavenly Father doesn't validate our negative emotions or understand them. But he knows that these trials are so much more bearable if we can find ways to be grateful. The burden isn't quite so heavy. I don't feel like I'm being consumed by darkness and anger. It's just like the rest of the commandments. Yes, they are difficult to follow at times, but if we can live them--they are our road map to happiness--more than happiness--joy. The absolute consumption of joy. Some moments are easier than others, but oh my girl--I feel you and I am so grateful for you and your presence. I recently read an article on seeing green and how our world used to be blue, now it's yellow--and instead of hating one, or wanting the other, see the beauty in both. Well honey, I'm trying to find the green. Slowly, but surely. I love you my sweet girl. And I'm sorry I've been irritable with your daddy. I will have more patience, okay? I love you sweetheart. Sweet dreams. Hugs and kisses. Love, Mommy
Hi my sweetest girl. I love you so much. Today we had our friends giving and it was really good to see everyone. There were babies galore, and I just kept thinking about how your daddy and I wouldn't be able to see you grow up and see your little personality and everything. I felt super sick today though, so we stayed home from church and I just slept the day away while your daddy watched 10 Commandments. Haha I wonder if you would like to watch those shows with him or if you would join me in teasing him. I just love you my sweet girl. I told your daddy "Here Comes the Sun" is my gage on how I'm feeling. If I can listen to it, I feel hopeful and like it really will be okay. But if I can't listen to it, then I'm scared or upset about the future. And I feel like when I'm feeling okay, it's because when I think about everything, it almost seems like it didn't happen. And other times the harsh reality of it is very real. I don't know--I just know that I miss you my sweet girl. I love you. Sweet dreams. Love, Mommy
Hi sweetheart. How are you my honey girls? Today was a really good day. Your daddy and I ran the Spectrum Turkey Trot 5k and then we came home and took a really great nap. Btw, I almost beat your dad. Haha I was about 3 minutes behind him, but I've made it my goal to get him. But when we woke up from our nap, your daddy said he needed to mow the lawn and I didn't want him to because then I would feel guilty if I didn't do anything--and I reallllly didn't want to do anything. But I started sorting laundry just to do something and then one thing after another, and pretty soon I had cleaned the whole house! It was pretty great because I've felt like I've had to force myself to do very basic things...the laundry has been sitting in baskets, waiting to be folded for 3 weeks. But today I was motivated, and I wasn't forcing myself once I got started. I was genuinely bugged by some of the messes and needed to get them cleaned. It's silly, but I was glad I was motivated. I even vacuumed! And then your daddy made an apple pie and we watched the Washington football game. It was a great day with your daddy. Obviously it would have been even better if you were here. We sure do miss you honey. Gma Lezlie said your head stone should hopefully be installed in the next couple days. It's ready to go, they just need to mix the concrete so the stone is up a little from the ground. We will probably take some more fall decorations, okay honey? I hope you like them. I was telling Gma Lezlie though, I feel you more in hiking and running than I do at the cemetery. I love you honey. Sweet dreams. Love, Mommy
Oh my girl. I'm so tired. I feel like I am always tired, and I struggle to find the motivation to do the things I used to do so automatically. Like going running, or cleaning each weekend--I just don't care. Last night I was talking to your daddy about how I tend to unload everything on you, and talk to you like you're an adult. You're just my sweet baby girl. And yet you feel like an old soul with wisdom and patience and love that I couldn't even comprehend. How do you feel about me coming to you with my struggles? Is that completely selfish of me? I love you so so much my girl. Just know that I am always thinking of you, and I miss you every second of every day. Sweet dreams my girl. Hugs and kisses. Love, Mommy
Hi my sweetest girl. I thought about you so much today. I feel like your daddy and I have been so out of sync lately--I'm not sure what to do. I feel like a big part of it is me and my crazy brain. My thoughts are just running wild all the time. Your daddy is extremely patient with me, and then I am left feeling guilty. It's a yucky spiral. I wish I could just dismiss these ugly thoughts. I will keep trying my honey. I just love you more than anything. I cannot wait to see you. I love you sweetheart. Sweet dreams. Hugs and kisses and more big squeezes. Love, your momma
Hi my sweet girl. Today was a pretty good day. Work was a little crazy, I think I was just grumpy so that didn't help. But then we went to do baptisms for the dead with the young women. We ended up spending a lot of time in the temple because there was a huge group, and it was really great. I talked a lot about you to Krystal and Brittany. I love talking about you honey. I just hope people like to hear :) Oh well if they don't. But as one of the girls was getting confirmed, I got a rush of sadness thinking about how I'll never see you grow up and do baptisms for the dead. And then I started thinking about your ordinances, and how we probably can't do any work for you. Maybe I'm wrong, but I have to rely on hope and faith that you'll get all those opportunities. Oh honey I just love you. Have the sweetest dreams, okay? Love, Mommy
Hi my little sweetheart. How was your day? I bet you are super busy up there. Hopefully you are very happy and just having a great time. Today was actually really good--I was nervous that it was going to be crazy (day after Halloween), but it wasn't bad. I'm guessing that means tomorrow is going to be crazy? Hopefully not. Honey, I just love you. You have touched so many lives--I am so proud of you. I just really want you here. I wonder if December is going to be a hard month--especially your due date? Gma Leslie said your marker is done! So you should be getting your head stone very soon. I love you my sweet girl. Hugs and kisses and sweet dreams. Love, Mommy
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