Hi my sweetest girl. Today was a really good day at church. One of the speakers read the scriptures when Joseph Smith was in Liberty Jail and he was asking the Lord when it would end. So in D&C 121: 7-8 it says, "My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; though shalt triumph over all thy foes." I loved this scripture for a couple reasons. 1-the reminder that our afflictions shall be but a small moment. It's extremely comforting to hear that it will get better. And 2-when the Lord says if we shall endure it well, He shall exalt us on high. I've felt for so long that if I didn't crumble from this trial, Heavenly Father would think I could handle more. But it's not that He wants me to feel more sorrow--He wants me to endure this well so I can be exalted on high. What a beautiful perspective. It was so comforting and quite relieving to be told that I need to continue trying. There isn't a punishment for enduring it well. I just love you my sweet girl. I want you here. We would be about 3 1/2 weeks away from meeting you. My heart breaks when I think of what could have been. I have to focus on what will be so I can get through the day. Today in our lesson in Beehives, we were talking about being converted, and Brittany had us draw a picture of something that goes through a transformation. And almost everyone drew a caterpillar turning into a butterfly. It made me think of you and this transformation I'm going through. And how no matter what, I am changed, and there's no going back to who I was before. And honey, I don't want to. I don't want to go back to who I was before I knew you. I just have to work on embracing this new version of myself. I don't know where to go, or what to do. All I can do is take it moment by moment, and then look back at the progress I've made. Oh honey, I hope you are just full of happiness and joy, and that you now how much your daddy and I love you. With everything we are--we love you. I think of you always, my sweet girl. Sweet dreams honey. Kisses and squeezes. Love, Mommy
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Hi my sweetest girl. Oh I just love you. Today your daddy and I organized and got rid of a ton of stuff from our storage room (your room). It felt really good. It's strange thinking about it, because our plan was to do this back in September or October to get the nursery ready for you. I guess you had other plans. And I cut my hair today! Just chopped it right off. Haha I'm not sure if your daddy likes it too much, but he says he just needs to get used to it. But it was interesting because I kept thinking about how I was cutting off hair that I had when I was pregnant with you and it made me kind of sad. And then Sadie was telling me about a study they did that found that psychologically, women hold onto their feelings in their hair. It sounds so strange, but it's interesting to think about. She was just saying how cutting our hair helps us get rid of those feelings, psychologically. Anyways, I guess we'll see. Your daddy and I have been thinking about when we will start trying again. I feel so sad when I think about being pregnant with a baby other than you, and then I feel guilty for not being as excited for your siblings as I should be. Will it be difficult to watch them grow and know that you aren't here doing those things? Your daddy reminded me that we will get the chance to see you grow and develop--we just have to be patient. I think about how long we would wait to tell people if I was pregnant, and we figure--does it really matter? We waited to tell everyone about you, but it didn't put us in the clear :( Just a lot of thoughts. I love you sweetheart. I'm so proud of you. And I miss you like crazy. Sweet dreams, okay honey? I love you so much--hugs and kisses. Love, Mommy
Hi my sweet girl. Today was very interesting. It was overall a pretty great day, but I just felt very off. Your headstone was set today, so we went to go visit you and Uncle Grant after work. It is beautiful, honey. And it has a sweet little butterfly on it just for you. It was hard to leave you, but knowing that Uncle Grant is right there with you makes leaving more bearable. I have just felt this weird feeling of anxiety over the weirdest things. Things that don't even make sense. And if I have a random thought, my mind will follow it and somehow I convince myself that the thought makes sense. I make it make sense. It's ridiculous. The anxiety I feel is an unwelcome enemy. I'm not familiar enough with it to get it to leave. I need to figure it out though my girl. Your daddy is so amazing and patient, and he deserves better. I love you sweetheart. And I miss you like crazy. Your due date is approaching. I wonder what it will be like. I love you honey. Sweetest dreams and big squeezes. Love, your momma
Hi my sweetest girl. Today was a really special day. The YW board went to the temple tonight, and I prayed again that I would see you. I tried my best to not get my hopes up. Then as we were walking out of the room, I was thinking about you, and to the right of the door frame was a painting of a butterfly! I was so so excited. I felt like you were just saying, "hey-I'm right here". So sweet. And before we went in to the session, the pianist was playing I Love To See The Temple and I was thinking the words in my head as the music played. The last line got me choked up, "as a child of God, I've learned this truth--a family is forever". I just can't wait to see you and kiss your little face off. Oh honey, I just love you and I miss you more than words could express. I am thankful for those sweet moments I have with you. Thank you for providing those. I love you sweetheart. You have sweet dreams, okay? Hugs and kisses my girl. Love, Mommy
Hi my sweet girl. Tonight when I went to look at your rose bush, there were some cute little maple leaves around it. I grabbed one and took it with me in the car because I was on my way to YW. Then we ended up delivering some sugar cookies and the girls were so cute and funny running into the car. I looked over and saw your leaf and smiled because it felt like you were there with us and we were just having a fun time together. Oh honey I just love you. The last couple nights I have cried myself to sleep thinking of you. Last night I was sad about the idea of getting pregnant again because I just want you. And then I was overcome with guilt for thinking about your siblings that way. I don't know honey--I just know that we are in for quite the journey. I just pray that I can feel your presence every step of the way. I love you my sweet girl. Big squeezes and loves. Sweet dreams honey. Love, your mommy
Hi my sweet girl. I just love you. The training was really good and everything ended up being just fine. I'm not sure where that anxiety came from--it's a new thing for me. Your daddy is sleeping right now, and I was just reminded of how amazing he was in the hospital the night we had you. He had to sleep on that little couch, and he was such a champ. Oh honey, when I think of that time, I feel so traumatized, and yet, I want to experience it again so I can hold you. I have to remind myself that we will have a sweet reunion. I think of how happy I am when I see family or friends I haven't seen in a long time--like when Aunt Sicily went on her mission and came back--and how overwhelmed with happiness I was. I can only imagine how incredible our reunion will be. Oh my sweet girl--I can't wait. Sometimes it feel like the time could pass quickly, and other times it seems like it could take forever. FB friends are posting their nurseries ho are due the same time as you were. It breaks my heart to think of the happiness and excitement we could be experiencing. My friend who lost her baby at 5 months is pregnant with twins, and she posted a picture, and in the background were some baby things. She said that she was grateful to have them, but also felt weird because "deep hope is a hard thing". It really resonated with me. I want to go forward with hope and faith, it seems like such a difficult concept to me right now. I'll get there though, okay? I love you honey. Sweetest dreams. Hugs and kisses. Love, Mommy
Hi my sweet girl. I'm staying in Ogden tonight for a training tomorrow and it's so strange to be away from your daddy. And the silence. I wonder how I lived by myself for so long. Even if it's quiet with your daddy, his physical presence is just so comforting. I just miss him. I don't think I've been away from him since we went to Hawaii after we were first married. It's crazy how much can change in just a year and a half. I just feel so empty without him. It's the emptiness I feel without you. I feel like I'm getting used to that emptiness. It makes me sad. When the reality hits, it hits hard. But I feel like I'm getting better at navigating this new life I'm living. I have a new anxiety over things I didn't stress over before. I was really worried about coming up here. We went to dinner and I went running and then showered and got in bed. I talked to your daddy a few times and we even face timed. It reminded me of when we were dating, and we would been the phone until 3 in the morning. What dummies. Oh my girl I just love you. You have 18 blossoms on your rose bush right now! Winter is coming quick so we are going to do our best to get it ready. I love you honey. Have the sweetest dreams, okay? Hugs and kisses and lots of squeezes. Love, Mommy.
Hi my sweetest girl. How was your day? Today was a good day--I lost it during Young Womens. Our opening song was A Child's Prayer, and I wondered how I would do, but I was feeling good so I thought I might make it. But the interlude started and I got teary eyed, and then as soon as they started singing, I just lost it all. I had to leave. I went to the bathroom and I was just grateful that no one saw. My heart just broke. That was the first time I'd heard that song since we had your service at the hospital, and I guess I had no clue how much it would impact me. I absolutely love that song, and I'm grateful to have that song as a reminder of you. Maybe one day I'll be able to hold it together during that song. You know what else is cool about that song? Your daddy and I went to a fireside the first weekend we went on a date, and Janis Kapp Perry was the speaker, and she wrote that song! I remember singing it at the fireside with your daddy. What a special memory. I remember being so excited when your daddy asked me to that fireside. And I loved seeing him in his church clothes. It was just so great to be in that setting with him. It's funny to think if we would have known what was in store for us, or how I had no clue how meaningful A Child's Prayer would be a year and a half later. Oh honey I love you. I have a conference in Ogden tomorrow so I will be staying up there. I'm nervous to be somewhere overnight without your daddy. If I have a hard time, it's usually at night, and your daddy can always comfort me and help me calm down. It will be hard to be without him. But I can do it...right? I guess we'll see my sweet girl. I love you more than anything. Sweet dreams. Love, Mommy
Hi my sweet girl. I thought about you a lot today. Your daddy and I went for a bike ride up to South Fork, and the last time we did that ride, I was pregnant with you. I was about 19 weeks along--just a week before we found out you were a girl, and that your little body wasn't doing so well. When we ran our 5k last week, I noticed that your song always comes on when I'm about to cross the finish line. And it happened today as I reached the top of South Fork. It's funny how that song will come on when I need an extra little boost. I really appreciate that my sweet girl. Please know how much we love you and miss you. Sweet dreams honey. Love, your momma
Hi my baby. I love you. I love you so much. I look at your tiny foot in that picture, and I just ache to hold you. Why didn't I know how incredible that opportunity was when I had it? I need to hold you soon my girl. I love you more than anything. Sweet dreams, okay honey? Squeezes and kisses. Love, Mommy
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