Hi my little girl. Oh today was a day at work. But I didn't feel like I was going to burst into tears at any moment, so I'm definitely making progress. Aunt Allyson told us she visited you and Uncle Grant and the special moment she had with you guys. We were talking about how sometimes we quickly dismiss these moments because they are so unbelievable and seem too good to be true. But that we have to hold on to them. I like to write these things, so I don't forget, but also because I love writing to you. I love having these conversations with you. Even when I'm super tired and I don't think I'll write much, I find myself getting carried away with my thoughts and I just want to tell you everything. I love you my sweet girl. Big squeeze and lots of kisses. Love, mommy
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Hi baby girl. Today when I was running, I needed a little pick-me-up song because I was dragging. And guess what song came on...your octopus song! It was the cutest. Yesterday your daddy watched a documentary (of course) on the Beatles, and it got me wondering what your octopus song is even about. So Ringo Starr was the one who wrote it--George Harrison helped--and I guess it was the second song he wrote, and I guess he was just thinking about how peaceful it would be to live under the ocean in an octopus's garden. The part that made me so happy was when it said that it is thought of as being a song for children, and the muppets have performed it several times on their show! I often think of you as a wise, old should, and this was a sweet reminder that you are just a sweet baby with that child-like innocence. "Oh what joy for every girl and boy, knowing they're happy and they're safe." What a great song honey. I'm sorry your daddy and I thought you were a weirdo for liking that song. I think we both kind of want you to be a weirdo though :) Oh I love you. Work is a little draining right now, and sometimes I wonder how I'll make it to the end of the day, but somehow I manage to make it. Hopefully it mellows out soon--haha--before I even started to write that sentence I knew it wasn't happening. I guess I should say, hopefully I can get used to it again. I love you sweetheart. Sweet dreams, okay? Hugs and kisses. Love, your momma
Oh my girl. Today has been a day full of thoughts surrounding you. Today we had two baby blessings in sacrament and it got me thinking about you and the earth life that you won't have. In a way, it's exciting because you will have such a happy, amazing life, and I'm so thrilled for you. I did start to wonder about you finding an eternal companion and having babies. It's so strange to think of you in that way because you're my little baby girl. But I want you to have all those things. Your daddy saved the day once again and explained that you will have the opportunity during the millenium. I still don't fully understand the doctrine behind it all, but your dad does, and that's good enough for me to lean on until I understand more. I wish I had the knowledge and confidence he has. It's inspiring and comforting. I had a really good conversation with Ingunn and we talked about you and how special you are and all the amazing ways I get to feel your presence. I just love you my girl. I don't feel angry or resentful--I just miss you. That's the only way I can think to describe it. I miss you. Sweet dreams my daughter. Love, mommy
Hi my girl. Today was hard. I wonder what you were thinking as you watched me get so upset with your daddy. I kept thinking about you. I finally just went and sat by your bush because I knew I wasn't thinking straight. Everything just seemed to hit at once. It's been one month since you were born my sweet girl. Each day has crept so slowly, and yet I can't believe it's been a whole month. Today I had to think about who you are and how I imagine you. It was hard. Your daddy thinks you look like me when I was little. I was looking at my pictures and I just stared. It was a very tender moment to see a close version of you. I feel so much guilt over not talking to your dad. When I get upset, I shut down and my mind goes crazy. Your dad was so perfect to give me space and time. I don't deserve him. But every day I am more and more grateful for him. And you, honey. I just love our little family. This little break we have to endure is super annoying, but I cannot wait for our sweet reunion. I love you baby girl. Love, mommy
Hi honey. Oh I miss you. Today was a good day--your daddy's birthday! I keep teasing him that he's pretty much practically almost 40. Haha he doesn't really appreciate that. We had a good day at work--Savanna gave me an apple watch band with butterflies. So sweet. They are taking my para, which I knew was coming, and I feel okay with it. And we had a softball game tonight and won--not thanks to me or your dad. And Tony did a sweet tribute to you--he wrote LA on his cleats and his hat. We thought it was so kind of him. I just love you. I miss you. I'm so grateful for you. Have sweet dreams my baby girl. Love, your momma
Today was a day my girl. I don't know if it's all the posts I've been doing or if I'm just hitting a new wave, but I feel like my emotions are on a constant simmer and will just go flowing over the top without any warning. I was able to go running today, and on the second part of that huge hill, your little white butterfly came fluttering by me and followed my pace until I got to the top of the hill--then it fluttered off. My sweet girl--it made me so happy and excited! I absolutely LOVE seeing your sweet messages. Your aunt Brianne posted about her running the NY Marathon and she bought a butterfly pin to wear so she has you with her. I thought it was just so sweet. Honey you are inspiring so many people, and touching so many lives. I can't tell you how proud I am of you, and how happy I am to see all the good you are doing. You are incredible. How in the world did I get so blessed to be your mommy? I wish you were here to call me mommy, and that I could tell you all these things in person. I miss you sweetheart. I am conflicted because I don't want to feel the pain, but I don't want to let it go because it helps me feel so close to you, and remember how real you are. I love you and I love the peace you give me. Sweet dreams honey. Love, mommy
Hi my honey girls. Today was rough. Work was crazy and I felt just overwhelmed with emotions and frustration, and all of that. But I wanted to come straight home after work and just cry it out. I decided I needed to go to young women's and fulfill my calling so I did and I'm so glad I made that choice. I talked to Krystal a lot about you, and it was really nice. And Sicily sent me some amazing texts about you and how much she loves you. I love the special relationship that you have with your aunts and all the other lives you've touched. Today I felt anger and frustration and I hated it. I want the peace and understanding back. If I could really have my way, I would have you, and this whole thing would just be a really bad nightmare. But we can do this. And I know you're there to help me. I love you sweetheart. Sweet dreams. Love, your momma
Hi my sweet girl. Today has been a weird day. Not necessarily sad, but weird. I talked to some co-workers today who had experiences with stillborns. The idea of being able to have a healthy baby seems so impossible to me. I'm scared there's more to this journey than this experience. I prayed to find peace, and I felt a calm, but not necessarily that I have nothing to worry about. I know it's not my plan or my will, but I wish I could get some summary of what it will look like trying to get your siblings down here. Anyways, both co-workers talked about the healthy babies that came after, and it was really good to hear. Your daddy says I need to be more optimistic. It was funny because usually I'm told that I'm being too optimistic--but not in this case I guess. I really wish you were here. Your daddy and I just had a conversation about the "2-year slump". He talked about how a lot of marriages get bumpy between 2 and 3 years and it scared me. I feel like our marriage has been so amazing. Yes, we disagree, and get annoyed, but overall, there is so much love and happiness. I read a statistic that said 60% of couples who lose a baby end up divorced or broken up. I was so saddened by that. Your dad and I have become closer than ever--I didn't even know it was possible--and I'm so grateful for that relationship. I don't want to hit a "slump" or drift apart. I feel like I have so many new fears and sometimes I feel like they could swallow me whole. I need to draw from my testimony of faith vs. fear. It's been something I constantly have to work on, and it's not very strong--but I do have something. Anyways, I got sad at your dad and told him I was going to tattle. He just laughed and told me to talk to him when I was ready. Why is he so patient? And how did I get to marry him? We are two very lucky girls. I love you sweetheart. Good night. Love, mommy
Hi my sweet girl. Your cousin Copely was born today. I wonder if you gave him a sweet hug before you left and he came down. Maybe a high 5? I can't wait to hold that little baby--I feel like it could be really difficult, knowing that you two are only a month apart, but it could be very tender--you sweet newborns are so close to heaven. Your rosebush now has seven blossoms on it! It's one of my favorite parts of my day. That, and writing to you. Sister Parker brought me a necklace with an actual butterfly wing in it. It is beautiful. We got butterfly sugar cookies with a butterfly cookie cutter from Matt and Kathy with a sweet card. I love that everyone is thinking of you. You are so loved. I posted a link to your blog. I was very nervous as you know, but I got some tender responses and thoughtful messages. I'm glad I shared. I just want to share you with the world so everyone knows the impact you made and are still making on our lives. I don't know if it was the sweet messages or what, but today was a tricky day. My heart aches for you. Sometimes I can go about my days feeling light and joyful, and others (like today) the pain is just too real. The magnitude of what has happened settles in and I have no choice but to cry. The crying feels like a release. Sometimes I let myself cry sooner than others, just so I can let go of the tension. That build up--the knot in my throat, the aching in my chest. Crying seems to be the only way to relieve it. That and your daddy's hugs. He has a magical power in those arms--I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. As I write, I'm thinking that tonight will be one of those nights I have to cry myself to sleep. Your daddy is already sleeping--and of course he looks peaceful (not like us :)), but I know he will hold me and comfort me until I finally drift off to sleep. He is a tender mercy. Every day. There is no one else who could help me get through this. Your daddy. Oh, I just can't wait to see you two together. I wish I could see you together now. Your tiny little hand wrapped around his finger. I can imagine his proud smile as he looks down at you. Then he would look back and me and probably roll his eyes because I would be taking a picture of that sweet moment. Then he would smile and look down at you, and we would both know that we're thinking the same thing--'how did we get so lucky to have such an amazing girl??'. I will have to hold onto those thoughts and images until I see you again. And what a beautiful day that will be. I love you my sweet Lois Amelia. Sweet dreams. Love, mommy
Hi my girl. I've thought about you so much today. The pain was pretty strong today. The sadness was deeper than it has been for a little while. Your white butterfly was fluttering around today. I got so excited and so did your dad. We held each other as we watched it. You have four buds in addition to the blooms on your rose bush. I love going to see it every morning. Today's share your grief topic was "who they are". I wrote a little bit about who you are and what we picture you being like. Tomorrow is "what it felt like". I am going to post a link to your blog so that people can read if they want to read more about you and your story. I'm feeling vulnerable though. Some of my entries are my most sacred moments I had with you. I feel like it's the best way for people to know you the way I did. I just want some things to be between us. Oh honey, I just love you so much. I miss you. I'm sad you're not here. I am extremely grateful for the tender mercies we receive every day that remind us of you and help us to feel your love. I love you honey girls. We will see you soon. Love, your momma
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