Hi baby girl. Today we saw two butterflies while we were on the 4-wheeler! I think you really do love Moab. Your daddy and I got in another argument over when to go biking. So dumb. I keep thinking how stupid these arguments are, and yet in the moment, I can't seem to pull out of it. I feel like I'm crazy. I just feel like I'm losing control of my mind, and every day is just getting harder and harder. Your daddy has been so patient and loving, but I can see I'm reaching his limit. He has gotten pretty frustrated the last couple days, and I don't blame him. Oh honey. I hope we figure it out soon. I just love your daddy so much. And I love you my sweet girl. Sweet dreams honey. Love, mommy
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Hi my baby girl. Today started out pretty rough. Your daddy and I were getting ready to go down to Moab and I was being really short and grumpy with him. He kept trying to get me to eat something, but nothing sounded good, and he eventually parked the car and took a walk. I cried for a bit and then just wanted him to come back. When he finally came back, he told me that he was really worried about me. He was extremely patient and kind--as always, and although things had to kind of blow up, it ended up being the best thing for us. I love how we come together after an argument, instead of driving each other away. And now we are in Moab. Last time we were here, I was pregnant with you--I just didn't know it! And Gma Bennett gave me a butterfly pin that Brock had brought her from the Dominican Republic. It's very beautiful. I just love you my sweet girl. I think about you always. Sweet dreams honey girls. Love, your mommy
Hi my sweetheart. Oh honey I just miss you. I was in a dark place today. I saw no point of going about daily life--if it's all just a waiting game until we get to heaven--what does any of it matter? I know that I need to keep an eternal perspective--sometimes it seems nearly impossible. I just want to be with you. Why do I have to be down here if you are up there? "Home is wherever I'm with you." I found the Octopus's Garden book today! Can you believe it's an actual book? It will be your gift to your siblings. It means so much to me and I can't wait to share it with them. Oh my girl--my heart hurts. It just hurts for you. We are going to Moab tomorrow and I felt sadness and worry over not seeing your rosebush every day. Your mommy has gone a little crazy. Last time we were there, I was pregnant with you--I just didn't know. I love you honey. I'm sorry I am such a downer tonight. It will get better. Sweet dreams honey. Love, mommy
Hi sweetheart. How was your day? Mine was pretty good--just weird. I got punched a few times at work today, so that was fun. I don't know how much more I have in me. I just don't know how I'll feel next year. I feel like I'm losing my steam. Life doesn't seem as meaningful. I know I need to keep the bigger picture in mind, but for now, I feel like i'm just going through the motions to help time pass faster until I can see you again. Your daddy is so patient and kind. He's such a good man. Oh my girl. My heart is just broken. I don't know that it will ever be fixed. I just want to somewhat function and feel some peace and happiness. I dread bedtime because I've been so restless the last few nights, and yet it's harder and harder every day to get myself out of bed. I'm trying my girl--and obviously I can do better. Sometimes I feel like I just need to wallow a little bit, but I will never give up. I promise you this. Please just know that I love you. I love you more than I could ever describe in words. Please know that we are in no way trying to replace you or fill a void by wanting to get pregnant again. That space is always yours. I know you know this, and that brings me comfort. I love you baby girl. Sweet dreams. Love, mommy
How are you my sweet girl? I hope you are just having the time of your life. Today went by super quick! Work was great, and then your daddy and I went running, and guess what?? I beat him up that huge hill AND I got home before him. I'm making it my new goal to beat him in a 5k! We were getting ready for bed and our friend Ben sent us a link to the song "Butterfly Kisses". I remembered the song from when I was younger and I thought it would just be a cute little song to listen to, but oh honey--it got me good. I started crying and of course told your dad that I had allergies--I think he knows when I don't actually have allergies. But it was about the dad putting his little girl to sleep at night and how she would give him butterfly kisses. It broke my heart. I thought about how adorable you and your dad would be together and how much he would absolutely love to tuck you in every night. I told him that he would be the favorite and you would always want him, and he said only because he would give in to everything you wanted. I told him that was perfectly fine. And then he said that we will have a chance to tuck you in and we won't take it for granted and we will be so unbelievably happy. That daddy of your always knows what to say. But I can't wait to tuck you in, honey. And you will probably hate it, but I'll sing to you and give you a million kisses--that's probably why you'll always want your daddy. I sure do love you my sweet girl. Sleep tight, okay honey? Love, mommy
Hi baby girl. Oh honey, I just miss you. Today was hard. I just felt off and out of sync. It's crazy how one day can be so different from the next. I was supposed to do the full moon tonight but it was super cloudy so it didn't really work out. But Gma Lezlie sent a picture from Texas! We had dinner at Gma Hendry's and while we were watching the toddlers play, I got really sad. I'm so heart broken that I won't see you grow and learn and play. I won't see you learn to sit up, or crawl, or take your first steps with your chubby little legs. Or know if you like pink, and tutus, and all things girly. Your daddy said that you had other things you needed to do. I joked that you bailed on us because something better came up. And even though I was teasing--it had truth to it. For the most part I understand. I really do, and I have a lot of peace about it. But today was just weird. I forgot to tell you that yesterday you had a lot of family and friends lighting candles for you. Oh honey you are just so loved. I'm so terrified of not feeling you. Sometimes I feel like I can't feel you as strongly, but I wonder if I'm just getting used to it, or if I really just need to take some time out. The other day I told your daddy that I know you're busy, but I just want you with me all day long. He said he's sure that you're with me more than I know. I sure hope so honey. I cannot wait to see your sweet smile and chubby little cheeks. I love you so so much. Sweet dreams honey. Love, mommy
Hi sweetheart. Today was a really good day. We started with the Vivint 5k for autism, and then we took the long way home and stopped in Coalville to see you! We left you a little baby pumpkin with some fall leaves and flowers. We also took flowers for Uncle Grant. We spent some time sitting with you and laying on the grass. Your daddy asked me what I thought you were doing and I asked what he thought. I asked if he thought you were causing mischief and he said no--that you're not like that. I said you are probably more of a rule follower like your dad. He reminded me that you are surrounded lay loved ones that you are being taken care of very well. It was hard to leave you, but not near as bad as when we had your service. As we were leaving I kept looking back. I am glad you are up on the hill so I can see you all the way out. It was pretty perfect timing because as we pulled up, your song came on. So when we got back in the car, the song resumed. It was a very sweet moment. A perfect addition to our day. Tonight I went to the One Republic concert so your daddy lit your candle and posted it. He struggled a bit, but he figured it out. When "The Good Life" song came on, I thought about you and how fitting the lyrics are for our situation. Today at the cemetery, your dad reminded me that we have every reason to be happy--you are happy and in the best place possible, and we are parents of an incredible daughter! We really do have every reason to be happy . Sometimes it is easier to feel that than others. But I love you my girl. Thank you for the amazing day we had. Sweet dreams baby girl. Love, your momma
Hi honey girls. How was your day? Work went really well, and then I was so exhausted, I fell asleep as soon as we got home. And guess what your amazing daddy did...he started laundry AND did the dishes. He's a great one--as you already know. We had our tournament for softball tonight and we lost both games. It was super sad news, but we had a fun season. That second game we lost 21 to 2--how in the world does that happen? Your daddy and I ended up twinning (I may have helped it happen) and he wasn't too thrilled, but as always, he was a good sport. Tomorrow is the wave of light so your daddy is going to light a candle for you. And I'll be doing it in spirit because I'm going to One Republic with Tiny Gurrrl. Your Aunt Sicily got us tickets :) But I'll be thinking of you my girl--of course. I always think of you. And I always will. I hope you are just having the best time. I love you my girl. Thank you for everything. Sleep tight my baby. Love, mommy
Hi my baby girl. We went to the temple today and it was a beautiful experience. I kept looking for you. I honestly believed that if I prayed hard enough, Heavenly Father would let me see you. I pictured myself running to you and holding you. Just squeezing you. Maybe I didn't have enough faith, or maybe I couldn't handle something like that, or maybe you just had some important things to do? I told Heavenly Father that I will ask and hope to see you every time. And maybe Heavenly Father will feel like I can handle it one of these times. My sweet girl, I just miss you. I love you more than anything. Sweet dreams my girl. Love, mommy
Hi honey girls. I sure do love you. Today I worked with a pretty explosive behavior, and we solved the problem and the kiddo felt better and I didn't get too flustered. I feel like it was a really big break through! I've been reading other angel mom's stories online, and it weirdly brings me comfort. I don't want all of these mommas to be grieving, and I hate that we are all going through this, but it's comforting. It's interesting how each story is so different, and yet you can feel the emotion and the sadness behind it all. I feel numb today--like I can't feel emotion. I hope you aren't leaving. I want to feel your presence always. I know you have things you need to do, and that's okay. Will you just stop by and let me feel you and your love every once in a while? I want you with me all day, but I understand that I can't be selfish. I miss you honey. I wish I could see you. I'm just so tired. I'm tired of this journey. Can I just see you and be done with this? I love you. I will be okay tomorrow. Sweet dreams baby girl. Love, mommy
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