Hi my sweetest angel girl. How has your day been? Today it has been 5 months since I gave birth to you. Oh honey. I miss you. I am so sorry about last night. I broke down. It felt like any optimism or hope just disappeared. I felt angry and my body felt completely out of control. Your daddy is just the most wonderful man and he held me while I sobbed. I don't know how long it was, but it felt like forever. I felt like I just couldn't do it anymore. I don't know what "it" is--I was just overcome with sorrow and darkness. It felt as though something had been building and last night was when it all exploded. I weirdly felt better and actually slept really well. Your daddy held me and listened as I tried to put my thoughts and feelings into words, between the uncontrollable sobbing. I felt like one of my kids when they get so upset that they start hyperventilating. I did that and started coughing. I was so ridiculous. I am so blown away by how sneaky grief is. I feel like the bulk of January was a great month, and then the last couple weeks have been awful. How is this possible? How am I supposed to navigate my way through this? I don't have any answers honey. None. I'm just going forward with blind faith. Not willingly, just resisting and stumbling the whole way. When will I trust in God enough to let go? When will I be able to surrender to His will? I've seen time and time again, the blessings of His plan. And how much better His plan has been than mine. So why can't I have more faith? When will I truly learn this principle and take it into my heart? How do I get there honey? If you have inspiration for mommy, I sure would love some. Honey I hope you had a wonderful day, and you have the sweetest dreams, okay? Hugs and kisses my girl. Love, Mommy
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I love you so much my girl. Mommy is having a rough time and I just need to let the tears flow. I am going to try to cry myself to sleep and hopefully have a better outlook tomorrow. I couldn't go to sleep without writing to you. Please know that I love you more than anything and I miss you. I miss you so much, it hurts. Sweet dreams my angel girl. Lots of squeezes and kisses. Love, your momma
Hi honey girls. How was your day? Today was a really good day. Work went by really fast and then your daddy had a game. They played really well, but lost again. And then we went to your Uncle Raym's game and then to Burger's Supreme--one of me and your daddy's favorite spots. Your daddy told me that he had a really sweet impression on Sunday that everything was going to be okay and that we would have a baby very soon. He said he got a very warm feeling. I love that he got that impression. It gives me hope and gets me excited for the future. I love you so much my girl. I hope you had an amazing day. I miss you honey. Forever and ever. Sweet dreams and lots of hugs and kisses. Love, your mommy
Hi my sweetest girl. Today was a good day. We had church, and we had an amazing lesson on the plan of salvation in YW. I got a lot of inspiration for my talk on Sunday. And then we watched the Super Bowl at Gma and Gpa Bennett's house. We were bummed that Atlanta didn't win, but it was a really good game. But today before church, I don't know if it was just hot, but I got super light headed and I started to feel like I might throw up. So I didn't end up fasting, but I prayed about it to Heavenly Father and I felt like it was the right thing to do. But of course, my thoughts went to wondering if I was pregnant. Oh honey. So many things are up in the air and unknown. I guess this is life. I love you so much my girl. Sweetest dreams and lots of hugs and kisses. Love, Mommy
Hi sweetheart. How are you? Today was an extremely lazy day for me and your daddy. The only time we went out was to get his shirt from the dry cleaner. I did work on a lot of projects today, and I found a lot of really great places to get inspiration from. I'm wondering how much is inspiration, and how much is just copying. I struggle to see an image in my head, but I realized that if I can see it in a drawing format then I can copy it okay. Which is very new to me--I have never been able to do that. I was telling your daddy that I think my brain somehow switched, and I have a whole new way of looking at some of these art pieces. Is that a gift from you honey? I wouldn't have started this whole journey if it wasn't for inspiration from you. Writing your name was how this whole process began. I just wanted to write your name over and over, in as many different ways as I possibly could. Anyways--thank you for inspiring me honey. Maybe you can also send me some inspiration for my talk next week? Your daddy already has a bunch of notes and he is all organized and has a direction. I just know that it could be a very emotional topic--God's plan. So any help you can send me would be great :) I love you my girl. Sweetest dreams and hugs and kisses. Love, Mommy
Hi sweetheart. How was your day? Work went by really quick today--well the whole week did. Your daddy is feeling a little better since his fall, but he's still a little achey. I just love that man. He is too good to me. I did some more water color pieces tonight, and I think I am making progress. I definitely have a lot to learn, but I'm working on it. I don't remember if I already told you, but for your daddy's Valentine's Day present, I want to do a watercolor of him holding you. I need to practice a few times, but it's kind of hard when we're always together. I should be able to work on it next week while he is at basketball practice. Do you think he will like it honey? Of course he will. Anything that has to do with you, he will love. I got invited to a baby shower today, and at first I was super annoyed that someone would think I would want to go to a baby shower. But then your daddy (always the voice of reason) said that it is probably better to at least have the option of going or not, than to not be invited and hear about it from someone else. Which is very true. I don't know how I am able to do all these water colors for gifts. Maybe because I know I don't have to go to the actual shower? Oh honey. Everything is just weird. Somehow I have to learn to live with this new weird life. I love you so much my girl. Sweetest dreams and hugs and kisses. Love, your mommy
Hi honey. How are you? Your daddy had a really bad fall on the ice today He keeps saying how grateful he is to be alive. He doesn't know how there was any way that he didn't hit his head. It breaks my heart to even think about what could have happened. Somehow I convinced him to stay home from work, and I think he feels a lot better. But when we were talking about how incredible it is that he didn't hit his head, I asked him if he thought maybe you were watching over him. He said if you were, thank you. I have no doubt that you watch over us my girl. And thank you. We need you. I love you so much honey. I hope you had a wonderful day. Sweetest dreams and lots of squeezes and kisses. Love, your momma
Hi honey girls. How was your day? We had a good day at work--I was pretty much only there for math because I had a literacy conference in the morning and then my A2A meeting in the afternoon. And then your daddy had a basketball game and they were so so close At one point they were only down 4 points and we were super hopeful. But they played great and it was a very heart warming thing to see them play so hard. I did a water color for Ms. Erin's little girl. I think it turned out pretty dang cute. I definitely still have a lot to learn. But I think I found a cute idea for Ms. Polly's baby, and I'm waiting to see what Ms. Kim is having. I was talking to Amy about wanting to do a baby shower for the and she said it was so nice of me as she was giving me a hug. I got a little emotional. But I think I can help set it up and get it organized, but I don't know if I can actually go to the shower. I guess we will wait and see what happens And then your daddy and I were asked to speak in sacrament next week. Both topics are about God's plan and how it is the perfect path to happiness. I'm trying to figure out the best way to be able to bring the spirit and share some personal experiences, but be able to actually get through my talk without crying the entire time. Maybe you can send me some inspiration? I love that you always do. I feel so close to you when I get those thoughts of inspiration. So thank you honey. I love you so so much. Sweetest dreams, okay? And hugs and kisses. Love, Mommy
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