Hi my sweetest girl. How was your day? We went and hiked Angel's Landing today and it was a lot of fun. I love how much fun your daddy and I have together. These trips just seem so effortless with him. Then we just hung out with Emily and Schuyler and played games and ate a lot of yummy junk food. I realized that I left your butterfly pin at the hotel and I felt so bad about it. But then I realized that it was probably for the best--my backpack got soaked. And I had my necklace on so you were definitely with us. We actually saw a proposal up there. Haha my first thought was 'you have no idea what you're getting yourselves into', but then I realized that even though your daddy and I had no clue what life was going to bring us, I am so so grateful to have your daddy to experience all these crazy life events with. Oh honey. I miss you. I wish you were here. I love you my girl. Have sweetest dreams and lots of hugs and kisses. Love, your momma
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Hi my angel girl. How was your day? work went by really quick and then we drove down to Kanab so we can go into Zion tomorrow morning! We came down with Emily and Schuyler and it's been super fun so far. We've talked about you a lot and I just love talking about you my girl. Last night was a little rough. I've been feeling hopeless. Like there's no possible way that we could actually have healthy children. And that maybe we only get to have children in heaven. Your daddy says there is always hope and that I need to be more optimistic. It's easier said than done. And some days it is more doable than others. Today has been pretty good--I've definitely been super distracted so maybe that's why. But I love you my girl. I have your butterfly pin with me so you will be with us on our hikes this weekend. I love you sweetheart. Sweet dreams and lots of hugs and squeezes. Love, your mommy
Hi my sweetest girl. If you had come on your due date, you would be 2 months old today. Maybe getting a little chunk? Oh honey I just love you. Your daddy and I have been talking about what you would be doing and if you would like toys yet. I've had to stay off social media because there seems to be babies and pregnancy announcements everywhere I look. And I am feeling a lot less fragile about Henrik so maybe when we get back from our trip I will be up for stopping by. I guess we'll see. Tomorrow after work we leave for Zion! I remember being there last year and longing so much for a baby--knowing that we would be trying soon. I sometimes wonder what I would say/do if someone were to tell me what kind of a year we were about to have. Some days it seems so automatic and it feels possible to function and live a happy life. And others, it seems nearly impossible. The idea of having children seems like an impossible dream. Something that I'm not deserving of. Either that, or Heavenly Father thinks I can handle it. Honey, I do not feel like I'm handling it. I feel as though my dam will burst at any moment. I don't want to do this. You keep me going my girl. Please don't give up on me. I love you honey. So very much. Sweetest dreams and hugs and kisses. Love, Mommy
Hi my angel. How are you honey? Today went pretty quick, but I feel bad because I was very short tempered with my kids. I always feel such guilt when I reflect on the day and I can find moments where I wish I could redo them. Usually it's because I'm so caught up in that moment, that I don't stop to look at the bigger picture and remember that sometimes it's okay to take a little more time and practice patience. Oh goodness. I guess I get to try again tomorrow. And then we had YW tonight and we watched The Other Side of Heaven at our house. It was fun having the girls over and listening to their cute giggles and random conversations. It made me remember how much fun I had doing those things. And then I thought of you not having a slumber party or watching a movie with your girl friends. Do you get to do that in heaven? So many things keep popping into my mind that I don't realize you won't get to experience on earth. Do you feel like you're missing out? Or are you even missing out? Either way, I can't wait to have our own mother-daughter slumber parties and watch movies and eat snacks and just hang out. These hopes and dreams are what keep me going each day. Knowing that I have so much to look forward to with you. I love you honey. Sweetest dreams and hugs and kisses. Love, Mommy
Happy Valentine's Day my girl. Did you have a good day? We had a really fun day at work with a lot of Valentine activities. Then we went grocery shopping, and your daddy made us a delicious steak dinner and we hung out and just enjoyed each other's company. Your daddy loved his picture of you two. And I made him a card with a quote about fathers and daughters and he really liked it. Your daddy definitely won this year though. He wrote me a sonnet, and put parts of it in different places so I would find them throughout the day. He's just so amazing. I'm sorry about last night honey. It was a really weird day. I started crying at work while the kids were at recess so I went to the bathroom to tray and gain my composure but it didn't work. I ended up texting my para and she took over and I went to the store and talked to Krystal on the phone while I sat in my car in the Wal Mart parking lot. I felt a lot better, and was able to get through the rest of the day. I think my emotions were just all at the surface from my talk, and then Henrik was born, and it just brought so many more emotions out. I am so happy for Riley and Ingunn and I am so so glad that Henrik is healthy. It's just a reminder of the relationship and milestones that you and I are going to miss out on. I will forever compare him to you. Seeing everything he does as he gets older, and knowing that you would just be a couple months ahead of that. The idea of seeing him and holding him makes me feel so vulnerable. I also know that he is going to have a spirit about him and I'm afraid that will make me emotional too. I wish I didn't have to do this. I don't want to be a downer on their special time. My plan is to give myself a couple weeks and hopefully get to a better place. Part of me thinks I should just rip off the band-aid and get it over with, instead of making it be a huge even that has a lot of build up. Oh honey. I just miss you. I wish you were here. Sweet dreams my girl. And lots of squeezes and kisses. Love, Mommy
Hi my angel girl. Today was hard. I think you know that. Can I write to you about it tomorrow? I'm exhausted. I love you more than anything. And your daddy says hi. We both miss you like crazy. I will tell you all about things tomorrow, okay my girl? I love you so much. Sweetest dreams and hugs and kisses. Love, Mommy
Oh my girl. Today was a day. I have to say, I am super impressed with how I held it together because it seemed to be one thing after another. I've been stressing about our talks, so this morning was full of stress and anxiety, but guess what--I did it! I think it went well, and I definitely felt the spirit. Of course I talked about you, and I just love saying your name. During our talks, Riley and Ingunn had their baby. They named him Henrik Forrest Bennett, and he is a healthy baby boy. I am so so happy for them, but got very close to leaving the family message because the pictures of the hospital and the talk of dilation and nurses and all of that was just too much for me. Your daddy and I went home during Sunday school--they had told us last week that the lesson would be on motherhood so I felt like I needed to skip out on that. Then I had to teach YW so we came back and our opening song was Child's Prayer. I told myself I could do it so I made myself stay. I was trying to talk during the song so I could be distracted, but it didn't work. The third verse we did the round and the tears just fell. They felt like big huge puddles of water falling down my cheeks. When we had the opening prayer, I was trying to get it together and I was so frustrated with everything that had been thrown at me in such a short period of time. I even prayed to Heavenly Father and said, "give me a break". Then your daddy and I came home for a while and everyone was setting up times to go visit the baby so I text Riley and Ingunn and told them that I didn't think I could handle the hospital, but that we would go visit them later. Then we went to meet Gma and Gpa Bennett and Uncle Raym and Uncle Randal for dinner, so we took Rowan over with us. Sicily brought him over and as I was putting Rowan in his car seat, I thought, 'how weird is it to have a car seat in the back', and then my thoughts went to the disappointment and frustration of not having your car seat in the back of our car. Oh honey. My heart just aches. It feels like I have a constant pressure that is just waiting to explode. Sometimes, I can ignore it, but days like today, it feels like I can't physically breathe. My chest actually feels very tight--like it can't expand. Oh my girl. I love you so much. Sweetest dreams and lots of hugs and kisses. Love, your mommy
Hi my beautiful angel girl. How was your day? Today was really nice. We had our stake girls camp kickoff, and they've got some really great ideas. And then I worked on some more art projects, and then went to lunch with Kelse. It was really great to see her. One of my favorite parts was hearing her say your name. I love talking about you, and I love it when I get to hear your name. I made Savanna and your Gma Lezlie a watercolor of them holding you. I have a couple other family members in mind and I can't wait to get going on them. These projects have been such an incredible way for me to think of you and remember you, and to help others do the same. We have our talks tomorrow--wish us luck. Your momma is terrified, but I think I can make it through :) I love you sweetheart. Sweet dreams and hugs and kisses. Love, Mommy
Hi my sweetest girl. How was your day? You were on my mind constantly today. Just always right there--which I absolutely love. I feel like I am receiving a continuous flow of inspiration from you and I love how close it helps me feel to you. I got to play around with my art supplies again today and it feels so therapeutic. I did a water color of a picture of your daddy and I on our wedding day with this little purple butterfly floating up above, looking down on us. It brought me a lot of joy looking at it, and thinking of you looking down on us, like a happy little fluttering butterfly. I think I got my talk ready for the most part--your daddy is reading it right now, and I'm sure he's cringing at all my grammatical errors, and he probably has some fancy lingo to add--haha. But I think it just needs a few tweaks and then I'll be as ready as I can be. I'm terrified my girl. Maybe you can help me calm my nerves? I haven't spoken in church in over 10 years, so it should be interesting. Haha when your daddy and I were driving home earlier, I was joking that you're gonna get a little 'pankin' when I see you. Your daddy said he is just going to give you a big hug. I said I would hug you first, then give you a little 'pankin' and then make you promise to never leave us again. Your daddy reminded me that you can't leave us again. We started laughing and then he got serious and just said, "I miss her." You are very loved my girl. I hope you know this. And I won't really give you a 'pankin' but we are going to have a little chat ;) Of course it will be after I hug and kiss your face off. We love you honey. And we miss you like crazy. Sweet dreams and squeezes and kisses. Love, Mommy
Hi angel girl. How was your day? Your daddy spoiled me and let me order a ton of markers and paint and paper and pens and a light box. All these supplies so I can improve my hand lettering and water colors! I felt so excited, but also a little guilty. Your daddy is such a sweetheart though--he was helping me organize my markers, and I think I changed my mind like 4 different times, but he was so patient. Now I just need to really get to work on some projects. I'm so excited! Today was a good day at work, and tomorrow we are having our class parties, so hopefully it goes well. I guess it's supposed to be full moon, lunar eclipse, and a comet or something tomorrow. Haha so we'll see. Today when I was just hanging out with your daddy, I couldn't believe how much I was enjoying our time together. I felt full to the brim with gratitude and joy. We just made dinner and watched a movie and then went to Wal Mart to get milk and some cadbury eggs. Such a random, seemingly boring night. And yet, I was loving every minute of it. I'm grateful that I feel that gratitude and happiness, even when we are doing those mundane activities. He's my favorite. We are two very lucky girls! I hope you had a good day honey. I love you more than anything. Sweet dreams and hugs and kisses. Love, Mommy
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