Yesterday (Thursday) marked one week after giving birth to you. Time has crept so slowly, but it still feels like yesterday that the doctor told us you had no heart beat. Your dad and I went for a drive on the Alpine Loop and I told your dad that the changing colors of the leaves will forever remind me of you. We went looking for a place to spread some of your ashes so we could have somewhere closer to visit you, and the thought kept coming to mind--I was nervous to share because your daddy really wanted somewhere close that we could visit you--but I felt like at this point, every mountain will remind us of you. You have been on so many adventures with us my sweet girl. It was nearly impossible to pick just one. Moab, South Fork, Bells Canyon, AF Canyon, Provo Canyon--those were all options, but we just couldn't choose, and we both felt really good about burying all your ashes and having the option to visit any mountain to feel closer to you. As we came out of AF Canyon, we got a text from Gma Lezlie saying that your ashes were ready. It was a mix of emotions. I didn't know if we would be excited to have you again, or if it would be the hardest part--to see you like that.
When they brought out your container, I was caught off guard by how tiny it was. And seeing your little name on the label just sent me to tears. Your daddy gave me a big squeeze, and we headed home. We did okay the rest of the day until it was time for bed. Bedtime is bittersweet. I know that my thoughts will be completely directed toward you, and I LOVE think about you. I also know that my thoughts will eventually turn to the deep sadness I feel, and the tears will come. Last night I put your ashes in bed with your daddy and I, and we both held you. I sobbed. I kept thinking, 'Is this all we get? A container with our daughter's cremated remains? My dreams of holding a tiny infant and being so tired we just put you in bed with us--turned to the reality of us holding a container?' I got angry for a brief moment, and it quickly turned into dispair. Oh my baby girl--we miss you.
Your dad and I were talking yesterday about the Octopus's Garden song by The Beatles. We were driving home and that song came on, and I don't know how I knew, but you were feeling it :) Right as I was about to tell your dad, he said, "this is a weird song". We laughed and joked yesterday about it, and then the sadness came, and your daddy held me as I cried and said how I just miss you. I'm so grateful for those moments with you, and for the sweet memories that I will always have. Your dad said yesterday that he was sad he never got those moments--I tried to explain that he was definitely there, his memory of it just might be different. He didn't seem convinced, but I know you two will have many moments in heaven, and I cannot wait to see the sweet relationship you guys will have.